


Just Get In Line And I'll Grieve You

by sdeubanks



Series: The Ghost of You [2]
Category: My Chemical Romance, Original Work
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-06-01
Packaged: 2018-07-10 23:55:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7013764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sdeubanks/pseuds/sdeubanks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been four years since John died and Ezra still can't move on. As friendships begin to change into something more, Ezra has to decide if she'll continue living in the past or look forward to a future she'd never considered before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. June 2005

“Yeah, Stella, Oh-freaking-hio.” I switched my phone to the other side of my face and fiddled with some wires. It was so hot sweat beaded and slid down my back, making my black wife beater cling to my skin.

            _“I just can't believe that you are at a huge concert that goes on for two months! Isn't that slightly ridiculous? You've been with this band for two years, aren't you tired of it yet?”_

I chuckled, her Jersey/England accent always got me,

“Yeah Stell, I am a little tired of it, but it's decent money and I get to go all over the world. Plus I get some time off after this tour. I can come see you for my birthday.”

I glanced up to see Carl, the other sound tech waving frantically and pointing at his watch. “Shit, Stella I have to go, we're up next, sorry.”

I hung up and slid my phone into my cargo shorts before hefting up the amp I was messing with and followed Carl out of the equipment trailer and into the blazing Ohio sun. We hurried to the main stage and rushed up the stairs just as the band there finished. Carl gave me a wink as we readied for our ten minutes of fame. He had been with the band since the beginning. He was in his late twenties with a shaved head and bulging muscles, very Mr. Clean. We were decent friends after spending two years together taking care of the boys and sharing a small van and long hours on the road. He wasn’t the type to need to fill silence, and there had been a lot of silence in the beginning. I’d never toured, had issues being social, and was still pretty depressed from John’s death two years earlier. Carl would just turn the radio up and wait for me unwind.

            The roar of the crowd was deafening as Carl and I squeezed past the instrument guys and the sweaty members of the other band. We helped the other techs move their equipment off stage then hauled all of ours out and got it set up. Geoff waved at me from the wings and I stuck my tongue out at him. He and I still had a companionable friendship. We chatted during down time, played cards, had a beer or two, but it never went further than that. Geoff seemed to understand I couldn’t let him close and was perfectly fine with being someone I could come to when I fell apart but hardly any other time. This tour he’d gotten big into partying with the other bands and I hardly saw him. I worried about his new wild streak, but decided to let him do what he wanted, we weren’t good enough friends for me to intercede.

I moved off stage to start working on the mic levels and Geoff gave me a high five. I was back out testing the mics when the crowd started chanting. I glanced back at Geoff, a grin on my face, to see him grinning back, his eyes a little wild. Again I had an uneasy feeling about what he was probably doing before shows, but I shook it off. I moved off the stage and gave the guys a thumbs up to come onstage. Michael, Dom, and Bob moved past me and onto the stage, much to the crowd's delight. Frank and Geoff came last and the crowd cheered its approval.

            The show was good, it always was. The guys always enjoyed throwing themselves into it. As I watched from the sound tent I kept finding my eyes drifting to Frank who was flailing on the stage. He had a habit of getting very into the show, sometimes violently. When I first met him at the cemetery I hadn’t been sure what to think, but after two years I had found that he was usually too much for me. He like to joke around and drink and play pranks. He could be loud and boisterous, the life of any gathering. I much preferred to hand back on the fringes or not be there at all. He and I had had a few conversations over the years, but it was nothing more than small talk, something I hated.

When his wife died he embraced it and was open and emotional about everything. That scared the hell out of me. That first day he had been reserved and quiet and then the next day it was if he had forgotten he was sad. I knew at least some of it had to be an act, but watching him, sometimes I wasn’t so sure. For me it had been four years and I still couldn't talk about John for very long. Sometimes I hated Frank for how he handled the situation, but most of the time I just avoided him, our past too much for me to confront. As I watched him play, I found myself thinking what it would be like to actually join in at a party. To joke around and drink until I thought I could dance and just be a normal 23 year old instead of a constantly grieving widow. I shook my head and went back to doing my job. It did me no good to think like that. This was my life now.

After the show I had a few hours to kill until we had to break down the stages, so I made myself a sandwich and relaxed in the bus, glad to get out of the sun. Carl and I shared the passenger van that towed our sound equipment. The seats were just big enough to sleep on and we’d take shifts driving between gigs. The door to the bus opened and I looked up to see Frank coming up the stairs, sunglasses covering his eyes. He flipped them up when he saw me, “I was wondering where you were.” I held up my hands, “Had to get out of the sun, you need something?” He sat heavily across from me and sighed,

“It is hot as hell out there,” and fanned himself. I smiled tightly, still unsure of what he wanted.

“Geoff wanted me to see if you wanted to grab some early dinner, but I can see you already have.”

I nodded and took a bite of my sandwich, chewing slowly as Frank didn't get up. He seemed to be quite comfortable on the air-conditioned bus. I couldn’t blame him really, they’d just done a half hour set in the blazing heat. We sat in a fairly comfortable silence and I continued to eat until Frank’s hand slid over mine. I froze.

“The sun agrees with you,” he murmured, his thumb rubbing the skin on the top of my hand, “You look good tanned.”

I swallowed, suddenly a little nervous. His fingers slid down to toy with my wedding band, a little crease forming between his eyebrows. Frank’s own wedding band had disappeared sometime last year. This summer had faded the tan line, not that I had been paying attention.

“How long has it been now?”

Clearing my throat I replied, “Four years this fall,” and he nodded, still not letting go of my hand.

Frank looked up suddenly and I took in a small shuddery breath as his hazel eyes found mine. His eyes roamed my face and I did my best to meet his gaze. This was the most human contact I’d had in a while with the opposite sex.

“I’ll let Geoff know you aren’t coming,”

I blinked and his hand slid from mine, breaking whatever hold he’d had on me. I nodded,

“Sure.”

Frank flipped his sunglasses back down and left the bus without another word.


	2. Chapter 2

Frank seemed to avoid me for a week or so and when I mentioned the conversation to Geoff he just shrugged,

“You two aren’t exactly close. I think you’re overthinking it. He isn’t avoiding you.”

            I decided to let it go and went back to filling my days with work so I wouldn't have time to think. The first week of July we had a free day before we drove across country with the other bands to California so that of course meant a party. A huge bonfire was erected and gallons of alcohol were purchased to make sure the night would continue on well into the early hours. I hadn’t been planning on going, but as I sat alone and listened to the festivities I found myself getting up and grabbing a solo cup of beer from one of many kegs and entering the fray.

I mingled with musicians and techs alike. I sipped my beer and mostly listened to other people talk. While sitting a little to the side of a conversation, I met one girl named Millie, who was the sister of a lead singer of another band who was good friends with Geoff. We hung out for a little while talking about the band I worked for, which she loved, and the tour life. She told me about a boy she was talking to on the internet and I allowed her to gush, thinking how nice it must be to be so young and carefree. She was a bit of a talker, but very sweet and around midnight we said our goodbyes and I headed back to our bus only to find it occupied with loud, drunk, card playing techies. I waved off their invitations to play and took a six pack instead and escaped to the van that towed the equipment trailer. I settled down and began my first beer, just relaxing. I was proud of myself for getting out there and actually trying to socialize. With a mental pat on my back I smiled and was starting my second when the door of the van slid open and the dome light nearly blinded me. I cursed at whoever opened the door and squinted to see a very surprised Frank staring at me. He looked at the six pack in the floor then back at me and shook his head,

“That's just sad,” and climbed into the van. As the light began to fade Frank murmured, “No one should ever drink alone.”

 

            “So what's your biggest fear?” Frank's head was in my lap. I wasn’t sure when that happened. I hadn’t drank so much in a while, and my head was a little fuzzy. We hadn't had a beer for a bit, riding our buzz and talking. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly,

“You first.” He sat up and looked at his knees,

“I never want to see another person I love die.” I nodded, surprised at the pain in his voice, then reminded myself his wife had been dead for hardly two years and for all is acting, he had to still be missing her.

“I know how hard it is.” I gently slid my hand over his and squeezed, “My...my biggest fear is to lose myself again to someone. It’s such an awful feeling to not belong to yourself once that person is gone.”

Frank turned my face towards his. He seemed to be looking for something on my face in the dim moonlight. I nervously licked my dry lips and his eyes flicked down to my mouth. My stomach clenched as he leaned forward to kiss me. His lips were chapped and his stubble tickled as he turns his head a little to the left. I pulled away quickly and had to grab onto Frank as my head spun.

“Easy,” he murmured and pulled me back close. He was too near, I could feel his breath on my face and the firmness of his leg pressed against mine.

“Frank,” I pulled away a little just as his hands slid over my neck.

“Ezra,” his voice was deeper and he kissed me again, a little more firmly. As he slid a hand onto my leg I murmured,

“You're drunk,” to which he replied,

“So are you,” and continued to kiss me.

            My hands found their way into his hair and I scooted closer. I couldn’t think, could hardly breathe. Frank pulled me into his lap in response and I broke the kiss so I could catch my breath. In the dim light that the moon provided Frank looked at me. I wasn't sure was he saw, but he sighed softly and caressed my cheek before kissing me again. It was a while before I came to my senses. It took Frank's rough fingers against the bare skin of my back to make me really think about what was going on. I pulled away and covered my face, groaning. Frank pulled a hand away,

“Hey, you okay? Did I move too fast?” I couldn't help but laugh at the expression of concern on his face,

“Oh God, yes and no. I just, I can't do this. Not with you, not with anyone. Believe me it's not you, it's most certainly me.” Frank nodded,

“That’s okay. That’s fine. We can move slowly. Maybe hang out some without pressure, get to know each other.”

            My head was spinning, “What? I-I meant we can’t do this, ever.”

Frank stared, “You aren’t serious? You’re just going to remain celibate for the rest of your life?”

I jerked out of his lap and put space between us, “Yes! Is that all you want from me? Sex?”

“No! Well, if you had wanted, but that wasn't really my intention. I hadn't even expected this to happen, you don't exactly exude any kind of emotion for me to work with. I was just hanging out with you. You’re always off on your own. I didn't even know you found me attractive until tonight.”

I shook my head,

“This was a mistake.”

The change in Frank's face was immediate. He nodded, face set,

“Fine,” and jerked open the door of the van. He slid out and slammed the door shut behind himself. I watched him walk away, shoulders stiff, hands shoved in his pockets and swallowed, the taste of him still on my lips.


	3. Chapter 3

There was only two weeks left on the tour before I went to England when I finally worked up the courage to face Frank. The three weeks that had passed since the incident in the van had been uncomfortable to say the least. We avoided each other at much as possible. Him out of anger and hurt, me out of embarrassment. My mind would drift while working and suddenly I’d be back in that van, Frank’s hand’s sliding over my skin, our lips pressed together. I didn't want to like him. Liking him meant moving on and I wasn't sure if that was what I really wanted. I had this innate fear that moving on meant forgetting. I could never forget.

I found Frank leaning against the side of the bus smoking a cigarette. He watched me walk up, his expression hidden by his sunglasses. He offered me one as I settled next to him and I took it and watched his hands as he lit it for me. My father always said you can tell a lot about a person by their hands. It was John's hands that had made me say yes to that first date, and I could still remember the feeling of Frank's hand the first time we met. I looked up at his face, which wasn't too far since Frank was only a few inches taller than me and he lifted his sunglasses so I could see his eyes. Hazel, big and boyish that suited the rest of his rounded, boyish face that was cut by the square of his jaw. The piercings in his nose and lip drew my eye and I felt myself flush at the thought of those lips on mine. My eyes swept up to his short, dyed hair, down to the gauges in his ears and the tattoo on his neck that I could just see over the collar of his shirt. My eyes found his again. He looked guarded, tensed for another rebuttal.

“I think we should be friends.”

His eyes widened just a little in surprise,

            “Okay? What exactly does that mean?”

I took a deep breath,

            “It means that we hang out sometimes. Get lunch from the same vendor at the same time and make conversation. Play cards, have a smoke.”

“No drinking?” He was smiling,

“No, no drinking,” I replied, my cheeks turning a little red.

“I think I can do that,” and he lowered his shades down and looked away. I put the cigarette to my lips with a slightly shaking hand, unsure of what I had just started.

            For the next two weeks, Frank and I gradually became friends. We hung out a few times, played cards, smoked cigarettes between gigs. It was simple and easy. At the last night of the tour there was another huge bonfire and party. We were in Nevada and the fires were massive in the sand. Frank and I sat side by side by one, a blanket under us, cups of beer in hand.

“So now what?” he murmured, eyes on the flames. I knew he meant what was next, after the tour, what was next for us. I shrugged,

“I go back to Jersey for the weekend then I’m off to the UK for a month or so.”

“I know that Ez, I meant-“

“I know what you meant…I just don’t have an answer for you.”

            We were quiet for a while,

            “Is it really so hard to be with me?”

I closed my eyes against the hurt in his voice,

            “It’s not you, you know that. You know I can’t.”

“No. You can, you just won’t let yourself. I’ve known you for two years, and never once have you let yourself be happy.”

“Frank…”

“I’m serious Ezra, how long are you going to keep punishing yourself for something that wasn’t your fault?”

“Shut up.”

            I stood and walked away, back towards the buses. Frank caught up to me easily,

“Don’t walk away from me.”

“Leave me alone Frank.”

He wrapped his hand around my upper arm, “Stop,”

We were attracting attention so I jerked my arm away,

“No you stop. Why can’t you just accept that all we’re ever going to be is friends? Why does it have to be more? God, I am trying here Frank, I am trying to give you more. To talk to you to let you in, but it is never enough for you. You just have to have it all. Well I can’t give it to you alright? I have given myself enough to other people, I have nothing left to give.”

“Ez-”

“No. We’re done here.”

“Ezra don’t go.”

I didn’t look back.

 

            I sat at gate 2-C a few days later waiting for my plane to board. Being back home had been hard to say the least. I loved Eliza, but looking at her and the apartment just reminded me of John and I was glad to be leaving. Estelle and I hadn’t seen one another in person since we were 15. Up until recently, I’d never had the money to afford the plane ticket, and Stella’s parents kept a rather tight leash on her in regards to traveling outside of London.

As I walked towards the front of the plane once we landed in London, I tried to get myself psyched up for a few months with no responsibilities and no complications. I looked around the terminal trying to find her when I heard someone scream my name. I turned to see Estelle Marie James running to me. I dropped my bags and met her halfway squeezing her tightly in a hug.

           “Happy birthday!” she squeaked and pulled out a camera from her back pocket. We made silly faces as it flashed and hugged each other again.

“It's been so long!” I sighed and we picked up my bags and walked arm in arm to the exit. It was amazing how just seeing her erased my fears and nervousness. Even after years of being apart, she was exactly what I needed to feel normal. I didn’t have to pretend with Estelle, she took me however I came and loved me anyways. Stella led me to a black town car and we slid into the back.

“So what's new?”

I hadn't really gotten to talk to Stella the last month with the tour ending being so hectic. Which meant she knew nothing about Frank. I found I was perfectly okay with that.

She immediately launched into her recent events in her quick London/Jersey accent and I smiled. She still looked the same. Shoulder length, wavy, red hair, pretty blue-gray eyes, full lips, and a dash of freckles across the bridge of her nose. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed her. “And lastly, I met someone.” I was pulled back to reality,

“What?” Stella was notoriously shy when it came to the opposite sex.

“I said I met someone, his name is Oscar and he is very sweet. He is a little younger than us, but Ez, he is quite cute.” I laughed,

“Holy shit Stell, you met a guy. What's his last name?”

She blushed, “If I tell you, you can't tell anyone. Only Oli knows right now.” Stella's older brother lived at the James’s house as well,

“Ok, I promise.” She leaned close and whispered it in my ear. When she pulled away I could only stare. I wasn’t big into movies, but even I knew who this guy was. He’d started as a child actor and grown up starring in a series of movies that were quite popular with children and adults alike. People dressed up to go to the premieres. They had themed parties and were very into the lore and which house they belonged to.

“Ez?”

“You're dating a movie star?” She chuckled,

“We aren't dating. We've had coffee once and talked on the phone a few times.”

“Holy crap, you are dating a movie star.”

            A little while later we pulled into the driveway of Stella's house. Calling it a house would be putting it mildly, it was more like a manor. All brick and ivy, it was really spectacular to see. We pulled up to a side entrance and I saw what looked like a butler waiting by the door.

“That's Buster, he looks after mine and Oli's wing of the house.”

I blinked, I knew Stella had a butler and a whole wing of a house to herself, but seeing really is believing. We exited the car and walked up the little gravel path and into the house. We went up to the second floor and down to the end of the hall. Stella paused at the door,

“So this is where we will be spending the evening love,” and she opened it, “This is the play room.” The 'playroom' was the side of the average den with a bar lining the left wall, a couch and love seat towards the center of the room, a large shelf full of games and movies and a DDR machine in the back corner.

“Are you serious?” Stella cackled as she led me into the room,

“So what would you like to do with your birthday evening?” I grinned,

“I personally would like to get properly drunk and attempt to DDR until I can't stand.” Stella leaned behind the bar and pulled out a bottle of vodka and two glasses,

“Shall we get started?”

We sat on the couch and Stella poured us a drink. We settled back and she smiled,

“So tell me, how was the last month?” I shrugged,

“It was okay,” Stella leaned forward,

“What happened?” I sighed and waved a hand as if it didn’t matter,

“I kissed a guy.” Stella clapped her hands in delight,

“Really? Tell me all about him,” I squirmed,

“I don't want to,”

“Oh come Ez,”

“Fine. His name is Frank and he is the rhythm guitarist in the band I work for.” Stella scoffed,

“Frank? That isn't exactly sexy name. Vincent, Michael, Edward, those are sexy names,” I shrugged,

“I don't mind it.” “Ok so he is a musician, what else?”

“He reminds me of John, a lot. I kind of ended things before it could really start, I'm not ready.” Stella sat back with a sigh,

“Ezra every guy is going to remind you of John at some point, which is just something that you are going to have to learn to live with. As for you not being ready, when will you be? It's been four years, you have got to let go of all that sadness and try to move on.” I wouldn't look at her,

“I can't okay? Not yet.” We were quiet for a moment, “Fine, but don't ruin a good thing just because you are scared. So should we order some pizza?”

            I was stumbling around on the machine later that night when Oliver came home. Stella was cheering me on from the couch, pizza slice in hand. Oli stole a slice from the box and came to stand beside me and watch, smile on his face. Six foot with strawberry blonde hair and glassy blue eyes, Oli was a pretty boy. I had had a huge crush on him when I was younger.

“'Ello Ez, long time no see.” His British accent was thick in an attractive way, and I found myself blushing. I had terrible luck with attractive men finding me when I was buzzed. I pushed some of my hair away from my flushed face,

“Hello Oli.”

I glanced back to see Stella watching us with a smirk growing on her face. He rolled up the sleeves of his shirt,

“Let the master show you how it's done.”

            It was late, or I guess I should say early when I woke up to Stella talking softly, “No, this is Estelle, Ez can't come to phone.” I nuzzled closer into my pillow and tried to fall back asleep. A warm arm wrapped around me and my eyes popped open. The quick movement of my head to look around me made me dizzy. I pushed myself and heard a groan beneath me. I hesitantly looked down to see I was half on top of Oli and it was his arm that was around my waist.

“Is this who I think it is? Well Ezra is occupied. Doing what? Well, let’s just say she is busy.” I whipped my head around to see Stella on my phone her back to me, “Yes, with a boy. At least he doesn't remind her of her dea-.”

I lurched to my feet and stumbled to Stella and wrestled the phone away,

“Bloody hell Ez!” she exclaimed and I hurried into the hall, the phone pressed to my ear. I could hear Frank breathing heavily on the other end.

“Frank?”

“Was what she was saying true?”

I stopped just outside my door, “I-I fell asleep on Oliver, nothing happened though.”

“You don't think.”

“Frank.”

“That's great.”

I sighed, “Frank don't. We aren't a couple.”

“Obviously.”

“Frank.”

“I called to check in on you, it's the 12th.”

My blood ran cold and my knees buckled, “Oh.”

“I can tell you are just fine though.”

“I-I forgot,” my voice was a squeak.

            There was a long silence and then Frank spoke again, his voice much softer, “No, you didn't. You will never forget.”

“No, I really forgot, I was so caught up in coming here I didn't remember that it's been four years.”

“Ez you were just distracted, it's ok.”

I was shaking my head, “No.”

“Ezra don't do this to yourself, please,” but I was already gone.

            I shut my phone and leaned my head against the wall. Stella walked softly down the hallway and sat next to me,

“I'm sorry love, you just seemed to intent on not being with him.” I shook my head,

“It's ok. Stella it's been four years, why does it still hurt so much?” She turned her head to the side and took my hand in hers,

“I don't know, maybe one day you will be able to let it go and be happy again.” I shrugged, a tear sliding down my cheek,

“I think something is wrong with me, I can't seem to move on.” Stella pulled me into a hug and let me cry myself out.

            Stella and I spent the whole day in bed just talking and occasionally just lying there. Buster brought us some lunch and Stella coaxed me into eating. Oli poked his head in at some point and said he was going to the pub and asked if we wanted to come along. I had never spent 'the day' with anyone before so I wasn't sure what I wanted to do. Stella convinced me to take a shower and get ready. I stood under the hot water not feeling it at all. It shouldn't have still been so raw, I should have been able to think about him without wanting to die, but I couldn't. Every waking moment was spent shoving down my depression and distracting myself. I dressed slowly, thinking about how to explain it all to Stella and my phone rang.

            “Hello?”

“Ez.”

“What do you want Frank?”

“I’m sorry about earlier.”

“So am I.”

A long silence then, “I miss you.”

I sat heavily on my bed, “Please don’t say that,”

“It’s the truth.”

I sighed, “I can’t do this today Frank, I really can’t.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I am too.”

“Can I call you tomorrow?”

“Why?”

“Because I miss talking to you. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

I hesitated, “I-As long as you realize that it won’t mean more. That I honestly can’t be that person for you.”

“I’ll take you however I can have you.”

I shuddered, “Goodbye Frank.”

“Goodbye Ezra, I’ll talk to you soon.”


	4. Chapter 4

And so began Frank and I's second attempt friendship. We would talk on the phone nearly every day about anything and everything besides the one thing I had a feeling Frank started the friendship for. During the day I went around London with Stella and Oli, and I night I hung out with them until Frank called.

When Stella asked what I thought of Oli, I shrugged, I hadn't really thought about it. He was a playboy. It didn’t really matter who it was, boy or girl, if Oli liked them, he would pursue them. I hoped she wasn’t asking because he was interested. There was no way that could end well.

A week before Halloween Stella announced that we were going to a party and had to go shopping for outfits. We were out so late trying things on, I missed Frank’s call, but we weren't home ten minutes before Buster found us upstairs and said that Frank had left a message asking that I call him back whenever I got home no matter the time. I thanked Buster and gave Stella a shrug before going back to unpacking out haul.

“Oh Ezra come on,”

I looked at my best friend, “What?”

“He is totally in love with you.”

I felt my stomach flip, “No, he isn't. We talk every night. It's nothing.”

She shook her head and smiled, “If you say so.”

 

            “Is it there?”

Frank chuckled and I could hear him walking outside,

“I don't know yet Ez, let me get to the mailbox.” I waited impatiently, “Ok, there is something here, oh it's from London, I wonder who it's from,” I rolled my eyes,

“Oh haha, open it.” Frank laughed,

“OK, ok! Let me get inside,” he went into the house and I could hear him opening the box.

“Frank?”

“You bought me a web cam?” I smiled,

“Well you said you wanted to see me. It will make the next month easier I figured. Happy birthday.”    The day before Frank had been complaining how we couldn't even see each other and I had joked about how all I had to do was look him up on the internet and he insisted that it wasn't fair. So I overnighted his birthday gift and he seemed pleased,

           “Holy hell let me get it installed and I will call you back.” We hung up and I fidgeted nervously, smoothing my hair and clothes. My phone rang a little while later and I whipped it open, “Hello?” “Add me on IM.”

            A friend request popped up and I accepted and the video popped up to reveal an adorably grinning, slightly disheveled Frank. I felt myself break into a smile and my heart beat a little faster. “I've missed you.” he murmured and I felt my face grow hot.

“It's good to see you too Frank,” I replied and I could see him register my tenseness.

“I'm sorry, that was a little much,” I shrugged,

“It's ok, I missed not seeing you too. It's always better to talk face to face.”

I knew it wasn't want he had meant, but it was easier to pretend to misunderstand than it was to confront the growing feelings I had for him. We talked for a little bit until Stella knocked on my door to say it was time to get ready for the Halloween party. I promised to call Frank before I left and exited the room and shut the door behind me a slight grin on my face.

“What's that all about?” Stella linked her arm through mine,

“Frank likes his birthday gift,” I said with a grin and Stella rolled her eyes,

“Why don't you two just admit you want each other and get it over with?”

“Because we are just friends, it's not like that.”

“So you can kiss other guys,”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because other guys find you attractive. If you and Frank aren't exclusive then it should be ok for you to fish around.” I frowned,

“Ok?” Stella smiled sweetly,

“Good.” and we went into Oli's room which was easily twice the size of mine with an enormous bathroom in which Oli was riffling through bags.

            He stood up when we came in and gave me a wink and devilish smile,

“So I was looking through your costumes choices and decided they wouldn't do and picked new ones.” Stella and I stared,

“What the hell Oli, we shopped for hours for those costumes,” Stella shoved him and began pulling things out of the bags, “A slutty nurse? What the hell is all this?” She pulled out tights, a corset, hair dye, and boots.

           “Those are Ezra's, she is going to be a Goth.” I scoffed,

“No, no I am not. I spent the whole summer around those weirdos, no thank you.” Oli advanced and slid a finger under my chin,

“Well the other costumes are gone so you don't have a choice love. Besides think of how raw you will look in that corset.” From hanging out with him I knew raw meant sexy and I felt myself blush as he pulled away, his finger sliding softly across my skin. I swallowed and glanced over at Stella who was smiling to herself. She quickly looked away and I began to feel nervous. This was starting to feel like a set up.

            “First things first ladies, Ezra has to dye her hair.” I backed away,

“Oh no, my hair is fine,” but Oli tsked,

“We are going to bleach it and but some color in, you'll look good, I swear.” Stella stood next to him, “It's true Ez, you would look good blonde.” I held my hands up,

“Come on, it's for one night,” but they converged on me and stuck my head under the stream of water in the shower.

            I hate to admit it, but they were right, I looked good blonde. They streaked purple and blue through my hair and straightened it then put it into curled pigtails with bows. Next we got dressed. I slid into the mini skirt with trepidation, I was generally more comfortable in jeans. The corset had to be laced up and Oli's fingers were cold but gentle as he slid the ribbon through the holes. His thumb stroked the space between my shoulder blades for just a moment before he moved away to finish tying his tie. I stared at him, a mix of outrage and headiness conflicting me. Stella called me over to help with her hair and I pushed Oli's touch from my mind. Make up was last. I was hopeless so Oli sat me down in front of him and began the process.

“How are you good at this?” He chuckled and I felt his breath on my chin and I shivered,

“Have you noticed Stell's makeup? You learn a few things watching her.”

“You're welcome!” Stella sang and continued to put on her makeup.

Oli was gentle and the heat from his skin made my pulse speed up. I opened my eyes to find him looking at me with an intensity that made me gulp.

“All done,” he murmured and waited a second more before he grinned and slapped his knee, making me jump, “I do believe we are just about ready to go.” The moment gone I was a little lost until I turned towards the mirror. The girl looking back at me was beautiful in a dark and mysterious way. She looked confident and sexy and as I peered closer, she had just a look that let you know she knew how to handle herself.

“Wow,” I breathed and Stella came beside me grinning,

           “You look amazing love,” I glanced at her reflection and smiled,

“You too Stella, wow.” She turned to me and stuck a pose. The nurse outfit was skin tight with minimal material and a plunging neckline. Thigh-high stockings, white pumps, and a little pinned on hat with a red cross completed the look. Stella had on cherry red lipstick and was twirling a stethoscope,

“Why thank you.”

“And let's not forget all of this was my idea,” we turned to see Oli in his full outfit, James Bond, and I felt stomach clench. He had whited out, white suit, shirt, pants, shoes, the only color the black skinny tie. His strawberry blonde hair was slicked back and he smiled a smile that made me nervous.

“You look nice big brother,” Stella laughed and I nodded, unable to form words. I shook my head and thought of Frank and excused myself to call him before we left.

            Frank insisted I get online to show him and when the screen popped up he stared,

“Holy hell,” I tugged at the skirt,

“You don't like it?” He shook his head,

“No, I love it. God Ez you look stunning. Who knew you’d look so great blonde?” I smiled,

“Thank you, Oli did most of it.” There was a knock on the door, “Hold on,” I told Frank and went to the door to find Oli on the other side, “Hey, what's up?”

“Stella wanted me to let you know that she called for the car and we will be downstairs. Oscar is going to be at the party so she wants to get there soon.” I chuckled,

“Ok, I will be down, give me just a second.”

“No problem love,” he replied and kissed me quickly on the lips quickly and turned away. Shocked I shut the door and stared at it for a long moment.

“What. The fuck. Was that?” My head whipped around to see Frank livid.

“Nothing, he just...kissed me. I have no idea why.”

“Is he why you won't commit to me?” I frowned,

“Commit to you? What the hell are you talking about, we are just friends, we agreed.”

“No you agreed, I just didn't argue because it meant I got to talk to you.”

“What are you saying?”

“I'm saying that I want you. That I want you to want me back. Ezra you can't seriously be that naive.” I felt my anger rising,

“I'm not and I told you I want to be with you but I can't. I'm not ready for that.”

“Then how come he can kiss you and I can't even tell you I miss you?” I threw up my hands,

“He kissed me and I didn't kiss him back, I wasn't expecting it. There is nothing between us.”

“Well he apparently thinks there is,”

“And so do you.”

            Frank's mouth clapped shut and after a moment he punched the wall next to him, “God damn it Ezra I'm not torturing myself anymore for you. You obviously have some serious issues you need to work through and I'm not waiting around for you to realize we should be together.”

            “I'm not asking you to! I never once said you should because I know better. Being with me would only make your life worse and it's a good thing I’ve held my ground. You are a jealous, controlling, asshole and I would never want to be with you. You aren't my boyfriend, you aren't in England, you don't get a say in my life.”

“You are such a self righteous bitch you know that? Just because your husband died you are a fucking saint,”

“Fuck you Isle,”

“I would love that but you are too busy fucking some British guy!”

            I slammed the computer shut with a shriek and threw it across the room. Panting I turned my phone off and hurried out of the room slamming the door behind myself. Outside of the manor Stella was yelling at Oli,

“You can't just kiss her Oli! Ez is fragile, you have to take it slow! She isn't one of your trollops,” I crunched on the gravel and they turned,

           “One of your trollops? Gee Oli, I feel a lot less special,” He smiled,

“Don't worry love, those other girls are history.” We piled into the town car and I joined in on their excited chatter in hopes of blocking out the fight I just had. Oli's hand sliding over my knee certainly helped.

            As we entered the party Oliver kept a hand on the small of my back and I daringly brushed my hand against his leg just enough to make it obvious it wasn't an accident. He looked down at me but I stared ahead a small smile on my lips. That smile was wiped away when his hand slid to my butt and squeezed. The shock on my face made him chuckle and he moved away and was lost in the crowd. I waited by the door with Stella for Oscar to arrive and began to laugh when I saw him. He was dressed as Ron Weasely. He pulled Stella into a hug and kiss. I introduced myself and we all moved to an empty table. The party was being held in an old warehouse. There was a bar, DJ, and huge dance floor. We drank steadily for a half hour until a doctor came to the table and asked me to dance.

“She would love to!” Stella replied and pushed me towards the guy. He led me to the dance floor and put my arms around his neck. We danced for a song or two and a werewolf cut in. I danced for an hour or so and excused myself to find Stella. I searched for a while but found Oli instead,

“You coming for me love?”

“Your sister actually,”

“Well let's see if we can find her,” and he held out a hand. We searched the party without any luck and Oliver called her phone, “Stella where the bloody hell are you? If you are dead mum and dad are going to kill me, call me.” He pocketed his phone and shrugged, “Nothing we can do at the moment, would you like to dance?” I smiled,

           “Sure,”

He led me onto the floor and put his hands on my waist. I flushed and looked away, my hands shaky as I slid them up his chest to his neck. He crooked a finger beneath my chin and raised it so he could press his lips to mine. This time I returned the kiss, my fingers curling in his hair. As the music thumped I let myself be kissed and forgot all about my fight with Frank and my dead husband. When we resurfaced back in reality Oliver finally wasn't grinning, “You are beautiful Ezra,” he murmured and for once I felt like I was. We kissed again.

            Hand in hand we walked to the car around three am. Oli's phone began to ring, “Hello? Bloody hell Stella, where are you. Slow down, a yacht? Who's? A week? What are Ez and I supposed to..Ok, ok. Stell-Stella?” I waited, “Apparently Oscar took Stella to his yacht and they are going to be gone for a week. It was a surprise from Oscar since the movies are on a break at the moment.” I scoffed,

“What are we supposed to do?” Oli's smile was shy and he chuckled,

“Stella says we would get to know one another a little better.” I stared,

“Why would-Oh god, is she setting us up?” Oli frowned,

“Is that such a bad thing?” I cringed,

“No, I mean...Oliver you are kind of a womanizer.” He scoffed,

“Not all the time. I could change for you I think.” I felt my mouth drop open, “Oh come on Ez, don't look at me like that. I am capable of feelings. You are quite beautiful you know.”

“But,”

“It's not just looks Ezra. You're funny and you treat Stella like a saint and you're so nice to me. You give me the time of day.” I shook my head but Oliver opened the door to the car and ushered me inside.          As the car began to pull away he took my hands in his, “Ezra would you at least consider it? When we kissed earlier I felt myself wondering if you could ever fall for a guy like me.” I was blindsided,

“Where the hell is this coming from? I didn't even know you liked me like that.” Oliver shrugged,

“I've had a crush on you since the states Ez.” I sat back against the seat and closed my eyes,

“Since you were thirteen?”

“Well yeah. Back then you were an American girl, I loved that.”

“Oh Oliver,”

“So will you?” I turned my face towards him,

            “I-I'm going to be very honest right now okay? I am not doing this to hurt you, I would never want to do that. I just....I do not think of you in that way. I am sorry if kissing you gave you the wrong idea but I thought you were just being your usual self like you are with other women. I don't see myself with you or really anyone.”

“Because of your dead husband.” I took a deep breath,

“Yes.” He sat back and closed his eyes,

“Stella told me this would happen, that you wouldn't be able to let go. I guess she was right. I'm sorry I pushed.” I leaned over and kissed his cheek,

“You are a good guy Oli, I don't care what the other trollops say.” He laughed and squeezed me tight, “Friends?” I hugged him back,

“Friends.”


	5. Chapter 5

            I woke up to Oliver carrying me up the stairs of the manor to my room. Buster was just outside and he leaned close to Oli and murmured,

“There is a gentleman here for Ms. Reese.”

The door to my room opened and I turned my face to see Frank in the doorway.

“Frank?”

I yawned and Oli's grip on me tightened. Frank looked from Oli to me his eyes glittering with barely concealed hostility.

“Put me down,” I said to Oliver and he did, his face blank. I turned to Frank, “What are you doing here?” He tore his eyes from Oli to look at me,

“You said I wasn't in London so I didn't get a say, well I'm here now, I want my say.” I hushed him and pushed him into the room and shut the door behind us, “What are you talking about? What say?” He sighed,

“Just great. I'm here to tell you I can't live without you and you can't even remember our last conversation.”

           “It's five a.m. Frank, I just woke up, give me a break and stop jumping all over me, Christ.” I sat heavily on the bed and began to try to unlace my boots. Frank grumbled and pushed my fumbling fingers away and knelt next to the bed. He unlaced one boot, then the other.

“When I said that, I didn’t mean for you to fly here you know.” Frank just grunted. “Stockings,” I mumbled and I could see the surprised in his eyes as he slid the thigh highs down my legs, his fingers grazing my skin.

“I wish you wouldn’t expect so much from me. It’s exhausting trying to live up to your expectations.” I mumbled and Frank stiffened. I stood and pointed to my back, “Corset,” He hesitated and I groaned, “Please? I just want to sleep.”

His fingers were cold as he pulled the ribbon out hole by hole. I covered my chest to hold the corset up and went to my dresser. I pulled out a t shirt and let the corset drop, barely registering Frank’s surprised intake of breath at the sight of my bare back. I pulled on the shirt then hunted down a pair of shorts and unzipped the skirt with one hand. Only in my panties from the waist down I was too tired to care that Frank's eyes were roaming my body. I pulled on the shorts then turned to him,

“I will come find you when I wake up,” I mumbled, “I'm not up for a fight right now,” and slid under the covers.

Frank didn't leave, instead he sat on the edge of the bed and untied the ribbons in my hair and let it down. I sighed in pleasure and Frank's jaw clenched as he ran his fingers through my hair. Just as I fell asleep I felt Frank's lips against my temple.

 

            I woke up in the late afternoon and stared at the ceiling as memories from the night before resurfaced. I sat up with a gasp and groaned. I had made out with Oliver, and Frank was in London. For me. I felt like such an idiot. I saw Frank's bag in the corner and realized the shower was running. I grabbed my phone and called Stella, fidgeting nervously,

“Hello?”

“Stella I did something,”

“You made out with Oli, I know.”

“How?” “He just called and told me. He also said Frank was there. Ezra what is going on?”

“I'm not sure, I think Frank is here to fix things. Last night was such a mistake. I had no idea Oli actually liked me.”

“Well I did try to hint at it Ez.”

“Gee thanks.”

“Well Oli said you told him you two were just friends, so I wouldn't really worry about it. Focus on Frank first, he just traveled across an ocean to come see you.”

“I know, he is in the shower right now,”

“You guys didn't...”

“What? No, I went to sleep as soon as I got here.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don't know, I meant everything I said last night but he's still here.”

            The door to the bathroom opened and I hung up and put my phone on the table. Frank was toweling his hair and he tensed when he saw I was awake,

“Hey, you're up,” I nodded, eyes averted from him only in a towel.

“I’m going to shower,” I murmured and slid out of bed I hurried into the bathroom he had just left. I used the restroom and slid into the shower with a satisfied sigh. When I emerged squeaky clean fifteen minutes later Frank was perched on the end of the bed only in a pair of jeans, his head down. I wrapped my robe tighter around myself and went to stand in front of him. He looked up and pulled me closer, “I'm so sorry,” he murmured then wrapped his arms around my waist, the tattoos on his arms in stark contrast to the white robe, and laid his head against my chest. I held him and his grip around me tightened. When he finally released me we sat on the bed and I stared at my feet,

“Why are you here?”

“Because I care about you Ezra and I was scared that after last night you wouldn't want to talk to me anymore.”

“I didn't.”

“But you are.”

“You're here.” He chewed his bottom lip,

“I'm sorry I got so jealous and called you a bitch, it wasn't fair of me. You said friends and I pushed it. You can hardly let me touch you, of course you wouldn't do anything with that guy.” I felt my stomach sink,

“Frank,” He stiffened,

“Oh my god you did something, you did didn't you?” I picked at my nails,

“I was angry at you and at myself. We just kissed.”

Frank lurched to his feet, “You let him kiss you?”

“I-yes. No. It’s not like we had sex Frank, it was just kissing,”

“I came on a red eye flight to fix things and you were busy making out with some British asshole.”

“Frank no, it wasn't serious, I swear...I-” I stopped and stood, frustration getting the better of me, “You know what, no. I don't have to explain myself to you. We aren't dating. You won't make me feel guilty for this.” Frank stopped pacing and stared at me,

“I don’t mean to Ez, but surely you can understand…”

“I do. But I can’t just forget my past because I like you.” I sighed, “We have serious problems.” He gave me a heartbreaking smile,

“We really are messed up and all because one person died.”

“That one person was everything though.”

Frank blinked, “Not anymore.” I swallowed,

“Maybe. So when do you go back?”

“That's up to you,”

“How?”

“You decide if I'm staying til tonight or for the week. Do you want me here?” I shrugged,

“If you want to be here,” and Frank caressed my cheek,

“Of course I want to be here.” I bit my lip and stared as my feet,

“This isn't going to make things easier, in fact it's going to make it worse.” Frank chuckled, but it was an unhappy sound,

“Nothing with you is easy Ez, but I realized I'm okay with that for the most part. It takes a lot for you to give, but when you do...” He leaned and kissed me, making me blush, “It's worth all the work.” I smiled tightly but didn't say anything. Frank being there was making it hard for me to concentrate. My conflicting feelings for him was unnerving to say the least. I had never expected to really want to be with anyone else after John died. Frank slid a hand across my back, “It's okay to live you know. Just because you try something new doesn't mean that you are forgetting.” I shivered.

            Frank's face was concerned as he finished dressing and turned away so I could do the same. When he turned back he took my hands in his,

“If this is too much tell me now.” I opened my mouth to do just that but stopped when I looked into his eyes. This was a man who traveled overnight to be with me, albeit for selfish reasons. He had put up with my indecision and stuck around through my fumbling attempts at being normal. It had been four years since John and this had been the first time I had even noticed another person. The first time I had let myself notice someone. That had to mean something. It had to mean that Frank was worth it, that he was special. How could I not give him a chance? So I shook my head,

“It's okay. It's fine,” and Frank rewarded me with a kiss.

“We'll take it slow okay?” I nodded quickly and Frank kissed my cheek, “Come on, let's go get some breakfast.”

            For the next week Frank was on his very best behavior. He took me out for walks, to dinner, and never pressed for intimacy. For the most part I could let myself relax around him. He could hold my hand, or absently brush my hair from my face without me tensing too much. His kisses were always quick and sudden, like he couldn’t help himself and left no time to react positively or negatively.

           When we were at the manor, we would watch movies in the play room, Oli sometimes joining us, but never staying for long. The night before he was supposed to leave, Frank watched Oli's retreating back with narrowed eyes.

“He likes you,” he said quietly once Oliver had shut the door. I turned to look at his face,

“It doesn't matter,” Frank raised an eyebrow,

“You can't be serious. He is always looking at you.” I shrugged,

“So?”

“Just because you tend not to notice men doesn't mean they don't notice you Ez.” I frowned and pulled the blanket covering us tighter around myself,

“Well it doesn't matter that he does, I'm not interested.” We sat in silence, the movie continuing on in front of us ignored.

            “When are you coming home?” I stared at the images flickering on the screen in front of me, not sure how to answer him. Frank moved forward and hit the pause button on the remote before turning to face me, “Ezra-”

“I don't know. I had planned to stay until Thanksgiving,” I said quickly and crossed my arms over my chest. Frank stared at me for a long moment,

“I have to leave in the morning Ezra, Geoff and the guys need me back home, I can't stay.” I nodded,

“I know that. I never said I wanted you to.” I immediately regretted my words and finally turned to face him. His face was hurt as he looked into my eyes and I sighed, “I didn't mean for it to come out that way. I just- I meant that you don't have to, I know you have a life to get back to.”

“Come home with me.” I shook my head,

“Stella isn't back yet, I can't go anywhere.”

“She'll understand.” I looked away from him and stared at the bookcases that hedged the TV,

“I can't.” Frank sighed and turned away from me,

“Do you think you are ever going to be ready to move on?” I bit the inside of my cheek as my vision swam with tears. Without another word Frank got up and left, quietly shutting the door behind himself.

 

            “You should go home with him,” I picked my nails as Stella talked in my ear.

“If I go home with him I won't get to see you,” I mumbled, knowing it was a flimsy excuse.

“So? He is in England. He came for you. If you don't go back with him you may as well never go back. Could you imagine how tense it would be at work?” I sighed,

“There are...certain expectations if I go back with him Stell, expectations I'm not sure I can meet.”

“You mean sex...”

“If you want to get down to the most basic concept, yes. But I am more concerned about having to tell him how I feel and him being disappointed all over again once we are back and I freeze up like I always do.”

“Then do it now, before you leave and all the pressure of the real world is back.”

“That's kind of what I want to avoid. If I let it all out now he will expect things to be easy,”

“Not if you explain it. Just tell him you care but once you get back things are going to be very hard for you. Use tonight as a way to reach out to him, let him know you trust him.”

“I can't just be with him and not talk?”

“Do you love him?”

            My body immediately tensed, “Stell...” She was quiet. I opened my mouth to speak then shut it with a snap.

“Ez you can't keep punishing yourself, you deserve to be happy.” I laid my head on the wood on the top of the bar,

“I'm scared.” I could hear the rush of air from Estelle's lips at my confession. I pressed the phone closer as she began to speak,

“Oh Ezra, love, it's okay to be scared. You have me and Eliza and Frank to take care of you, everything will be okay, I promise.” I nodded, sniffing,

“I don't think I can tell him how I feel,” I murmured and she chuckled,

“That's easy. Are you in the play room?” I said I was, “Well then make yourself a drink. Liquid courage.”

“I am not getting drunk to talk with Frank.”

“Not drunk, just enough to get over yourself. That's how you two started talking on tour remember? Just have one good, strong drink, and call me in the morning.” She hung up and I stared at myself in the mirror behind the bar. My dyed hair was up in a messy ponytail and my face looked pained. If I was really going to go through with it, I would need the drink for sure.

            One drink turned to three and I was talking to myself as I let myself into my room, practicing what I would say. I could hear Frank moving around behind the bathroom door so I carefully let myself in. It took me a second for my eyes to adjust to the steam. Frank was toweling his hair dry, oblivious to me.

“Hi,” I breathed and his head snapped up, eyes immediately finding mine. He looked at me for a long moment then shook his head,

“You're drunk,” and hung up his towel. I shook my head,

“No I'm not,” and he sighed,

“That's what all drunk people say Ez,” and pushed passed me out of the bathroom. I followed him, not sure why everything was not going as planned.

“I wanted to talk to you,” I said quietly, going close but Frank turned away,

“I think we've talked enough Ezra, I just want to go to bed, and my flight is early.” I frowned and sat heavily on the bed,

“This isn't how it's supposed to be,” I murmured, frustrated that I was screwing things up yet again and Frank closed his eyes then turned to me,

“I can't do this okay? Not right now. I know you are hurting and you want to talk but I just don't have it in me to take care of you at the moment okay?” I could feel the blood rising to my cheeks,

“That isn't what it is,” I said steadily and Frank shrugged,

“Sorry, just assumed. That's what it normally is.” I was fully flushed now,

“I'm sorry I'm so pathetic to you,”

“That isn't what I said,”

“But it's what you meant. You feel like you have to take care of me. Like I'm fragile and unable to deal with anything,”

“That's because you are!” Frank exploded and I stared at him, eyes wide,

“You can't deal with anything Ezra. You just shove it all down and act like nothing is bothering you and I can see you cracking every day. You just ignore it and it's not healthy. And heaven forbid if anyone tries to help you. You completely shut down and push us away.” Frank ran a hand through his hair, “My wife died too Ezra, people die every day. At some point you are going to have to face the fact that John is never coming back and the people you have in your life may not be around if you wait too long.”

            “You mean you.” My voice was like ice, “You won't be around if I wait too long.” Frank shrugged and turned away, stuffing clothes into his bags more forcefully than needed. I stood and walked over to him, my fists clenched,

            “You know I realize that I have problems. I do, believe it or not. I lay awake every night trying to figure out when I became this person, when I truly just stopped trying. It's easier when you're here,” Frank stiffened, “I feel like maybe I can push through all the hurt and guilt and confusion. It's- easier and harder with you. I feel more like me, the old me, with you and that scares me. I feel like I'm betraying him, but I know that it's for the best and I'm sorry that it is so hard. I care about you, more than I will ever want to admit, and I'm sorry that I can't be the girl you want and probably need right now. I'm sorry I need you more.” He wouldn't look at me, “But I'm not sorry for loving him. I'm not sorry for trying to hold on to the best part of my life so far. I could learn to handle it better and I will, but I will never apologize for how I feel.” I went to the bathroom door and paused, “And just so you know, I didn't drink so that I could have a pity session with you, I had a drink so I could tell you that I think I'm falling for you and I want to come home,” and I slammed the door shut behind me.


	6. Chapter 6

            I scrubbed my skin in the shower, trying to wash away all of the anger and guilt I felt. The water was too hot and when I emerged my entire body was pink from the heat. I towel dried my hair more roughly than needed and slid into my robe once I had dried off. I paused, my hand on the door handle, and took a deep breath before opening the door. The lights were off so I padded over to my dresser to put on clothes, then to the bed and slid under the covers. I could hear Frank's steady breathing beside me. Sometime during in the last week he had started sleeping in my bed, never touching me, but his presence had been strangely calming.

“You shouldn't have to drink to tell me how you feel. You should be able to do it on your own.” I stared up at the ceiling,

“Don't worry, it won't happen again,” and rolled over so my back was facing him. There was a soft sigh and movement and I squeezed my eyes just. I could hear Frank moving around and I jumped when I felt his breath hit my face. I opened my eyes to see him kneeling next to the bed beside me,

“I will never find you pathetic Ezra. And I understand why you may need alcohol to reveal that part of yourself, I know it's a lot of trust. I also realize how meaningful that is to you. I'm...honored that you care about me so much.” I could just make out his face in the moonlight, it was filled with a sadness. “I'm going to miss you,” he murmured and I sighed and sat up, turning on the light. “Ez?” I held up a hand and tried to collect my thoughts,

“I’m trying Frank. Honestly I really am, but-”

“Ezra,”

“No, listen. This is what I wanted to say earlier.”

Frank sat beside me and took my hand. I stared at our intertwined fingers, eyes tracing the tattoos that covered his knuckles,

“Being here with you is like being in a dream. It doesn’t feel real so I let myself do things I wouldn’t normally,” I held up our hands, “Like this.” Frank frowned but didn’t speak. “And since we are still here I want to say that I care about you even if I don’t show it or say it, you mean so fucking much to me it hurts.” Frank squeezed my hand tightly and I took a deep breath, “But the second I’m back home it won’t matter. It won’t matter that I want to be with you, or want to hold your hand. It won’t matter because I won’t let it, I can’t. Here I can pretend to be someone else. A girl who is falling for a friend she had never really noticed before. A roadie who wants a musician. A shy girl who is attracted to the tattooed rebel.”

Frank laughed and lifted our hands to press a kiss to mine, his lip ring cool against my skin and I let the little zing of pleasure at his touch fly down my spine before I spoke again,

“Once I’m home though, I’m not any of those things. Back home I’m a 23 year old widow who lost her husband too soon and can’t cope when she is alone. I spend all of my time distracting myself from how empty and alone I feel and I don’t have the energy to try to be okay for anyone. Because I’m not okay, trust me.”

“Ez,”

Frank’s voice was gentle and he used his free hand to grip my chin and turn me to face him.

“I understand. God I understand more than anyone how you feel. When I lost Michelle I was shattered. God I hardly remember those first few months. I was either high out of my mind or so drunk I’d pass out. It’s taken a long time for me to be able to sleep at night without abusing some substance. It’s been two years and sometimes it will hit me so suddenly and so hard that I can’t breathe. So believe me when I say that you can make it. I can help you. I can be that person for you when you fall apart. I want to be that person for you Ez.”

I couldn’t look at him,

“Ezra all that I ask is for you to at least try. Just try to let me be there for you. Let me, please.”

I shook my head, “It won’t work it.”

“I’ll risk it.”

I looked at him then,

“You really shouldn’t,” and then I consented and said I would come home.

            Frank spent the next hour or so on the phone trying to get a ticket for me back to Jersey. When he finally did it was for a later flight and we had the entire day before we had to go to the airport. I called Stella to let her know I was leaving and she said she understood and was sorry she wouldn't be there to see me off, but that I could use the town car if I needed it. I called Eliza next, my heart beating a mile a minute as the phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey Eliza, it's me.”

“Ezra! Hey sweetheart, is everything ok?”

“Yeah, yeah, everything is fine, I was just calling to let you know that I'll be coming back tonight.”

“Really? Honey that's wonderful but I thought you weren't coming back til Thanksgiving. Something didn't happen with Stella did it?”

“No, no, we're fine, just a change of plans.”

“Well okay, I'm out of here around five tonight, do you need a ride from the airport?”

            I glanced up at Frank, who was packing my bags, “Uh, sure, a ride would be good, maybe we could grab dinner.”

“Of course we can! I was so sorry I had to work when you came through last, it will be good to see you.”

“Yeah, it will be good to see you too.”

 

            The plane ride home was silent. I mostly stared out of the window trying to decide what to do next. When we landed Frank got my bag and led me off the plane. We saw Eliza waiting by the carousel. She smiled and hurried to us, wrapping me in a tight hug, “I've missed you,” she whispered in my ear and I felt myself lean into her like I used to, drawing strength from her,

“I missed you too.” When we pulled apart she smiled at Frank,

“Hello, you must be Frank, it's good to meet you in person,” he returned the smile,

“It's good to see you too Mrs. Reese.”

            I looked between them,

“What?” Eliza talked over me,

“Eliza, please, I'm so glad you convinced Ezra to come home early, I've hardly got to see her this year. Our work schedules are so busy.” Eliza linked her arm through mine and led us out of the automatic doors and to the parking lot. I shot Frank a look that demanded he tell me what was going on.

“It's no problem,” Frank murmured and glanced at me, his face hesitant. Eliza frowned at my scowling face then said, “Perhaps you would like to have dinner with us?” I looked up at her in surprise,

“Eliza no,” and Frank stopped walking, his face pained.

“I think I'm going to hail a cab, uh thanks for the offer Mrs. Reese. I'll call you later Ez.” and he turned away. Eliza watched him go then turned to me, her face grim,

“Ezra Reese what the hell are you doing?” I pulled away,

“Me? How do you know him?” She waved a hand,

“Oh he called me on Halloween.”

“What?!” I screeched and she shushed me,

“He got the house number from the directory and said that he needed to speak to me about you.”

“About what?”

“If he should go to England…Ezra, really, he didn’t tell you? I just assumed since you came home with him…”

            I clenched my fists,

“No, he didn’t say a word. You know what, forget it. I'm starving, let's get dinner.” I walked to her car and waited for her to unlock it. We sat in silence for a little while,

“Ezra he flew to England to bring you home.”

“I never asked him too.”

“He did it because he cares about you.”

“He did it because you told him to.”

“Is that really what you think? Ezra he just asked me if I thought you could ever love him, that's all. He was going to come to you no matter what I said.” I stared out of the windshield,

“And what did you say?” She glanced at me then back at the road,

            “I told him I thought that if he really was committed, if he really tried without pressuring you, that you would learn to let him close but that it would take a lot of work and time, but in the end, it would be worth it because you are such a wonderful caring person and he would be lucky to have you.” I was quiet for a long time and it wasn't until we pulled into the restaurant parking lot that I spoke,

“I guess you were wrong.”

            Later that night Frank called but I let it go to voicemail. Three more calls later the house phone rang and Eliza answered it. When she came to the door I didn’t answer. I heard her tell Frank that I must be sleeping. This continued for a week until one morning went into the kitchen to see a note on the fridge,

‘You have an appointment with Dr. Long at ten this morning. I think it would be good if you went, please. Love, Eliza.’

I stared at the post it for a long time. Dr. Long was a therapist at Newark General. Eliza had tried to get me to see him right after John died for grief counseling, she had even gone to a few sessions, but I had flat out refused. I contemplated throwing the note away, but I realized I would have to face Eliza when she got home so instead I took a shower and hurried downstairs to catch the bus.

 

            “Ezmeralda Reese?” I stood and walked up to the desk, the receptionist smiled, “Go on back, he is the last door on the left.” I nodded to her and walked back, my fingers clenched around my jacket, The door was open so I walked in. The walls were a pretty light blue with white molding and all of the furniture was light brown and suede. I perched on the edge of the couch and sunk down a few inches, the thing being overstuffed and soft. My spine was ram rod straight, and I was staring at the wall when Dr. Long walked in.

“Ezrmeralda?”

I stood quickly and turned to face him, my body tense,

“Hello there, I'm Dr. Long.”

He held out a hand and I took it and shook it then tucked my hands back underneath my jacket. Dr. Long was maybe five eleven with neat light brown hair and nice blue eyes. His accent was southern and his voice was soothing, probably the reason he was good at his job. He sat across from me in a loveseat that matched the couch and looked me over for a long moment,

“I like your hair,” he said with a smile and I self-consciously ran a hand over my dyed locks,

“Sorry, I haven't had a chance to dye it back, it was for Halloween.”

“I think it looks just fine,” he replied and opened a file he had in his lap, “So Ezmeralda, you are here for-”

“Ezra,”

“I'm sorry?”

“Everyone calls me Ezra.”

“Ah, I see. Ezra then. Do you know why you're here?” I shrugged,

“Grief counseling I assume. I didn't make the appointment.” Dr. Long smiled gently,

“Ms. Reese I think we are way past what grief counseling entails. From what I see, you should have taken grief counseling four years ago when your husband died.” I stiffened and I could tell Dr. Long had noticed, his eyes on mine, “So you don't talk about your husband then?”

“Not if I can help it.” He smiled,

“Well let's talk about you then, how old are you?”

“Twenty-three,”

“What do you do for a living?”

“I'm a sound technician for a band.”

“Do you play any instruments?”

“Guitar and a little piano. But I don't really play anymore.”

“And why is that?”

“I used to play with my husband, he's the one who taught me piano.”

“So you haven't played since his death?”

“No.”

“Interesting...Any siblings?”

“I'm an only child.”

“When's the last time you saw your parents?”

“My father is dead and I haven't seen my mother since my wedding day.”

            Dr. Long raised an eyebrow and made a little note on my chart, “Do you talk about your parents? Your father?” I bit the inside of my cheek,

“Not if I can help it.”

“I see. And when I talk about your parents or your husband it makes you uncomfortable.” It wasn't a question but I nodded anyway, “And when you talk about them do you feel panicked?” Another nod, “Do you want to run away?” One more nod, “You're contemplating it right now aren't you?” I let out a nervous laugh and held my jacket harder. Dr. Long made another note then sat his pen down and looked at me, “Ezra for this to work you're going to have to open up and I have a feeling that that is going to be very difficult for you. I'm going to write you a prescription for an anti-anxiety medicine that should help you to keep calm.” I shook my head,

“No. I'm not taking any medication.” Dr. Long frowned,

“To be honest I would rather put you on anti-depressants and something for PTSD but until I get to the root of the problem I don't like to administer such strong drugs.”

“Medication isn't going to fix anything. It didn't work with my mother and it won't work with me.” Dr. Long seemed surprised,

“What did your mother take?” I shrugged,

“You name it. After my dad died she couldn't cope.”

“And you would say you are coping?”

I tensed, “I'm doing better than she ever did.”

“From what Eliza tells me you have no personal relationships to speak of. You spend your entire time working, and when you do come home, you are so closed off you will barely speak to her. I'm not sure I would call that coping.”

“And I'm not sure why it matters. I have a steady job, a place to live, and friends. So what if I'm not dating anyone or if I like to spend my time alone? It's not a crime.”

“No but it is a cry for help.”

“Says you.”

“Says the one women in your life who would rather face your anger than to watch your self-destructive behavior go on any longer.”

            I stared hard at the little wooden table between us, “She said that?”

“She's worried about you. Every time you leave, she doesn't know if you are coming back.” I looked up at him,

“Of course I'll always come back,” my anger was gone.

“She doesn't know that. She just sees an angry, hurting girl and wonders when you will finally break.” I shook my head,

“I love Eliza. I would never leave her.” Dr. Long sat forward and caught my eye,

“Isn't that exactly what you've been doing for the last four years?”

 

            I waited by the nurses desk, my chest tight. Eliza appeared through some doors near the ICU her face concerned,

“Ezra honey what's wrong?” I shuffled my foot and said softly,

“I went to see Dr. Long,”

Her face was guarded, “And?”

“And maybe you were right. I haven't exactly been here for the last few years and I think it's not fair that I keep running away from my problems. I- I'm sorry.” I looked up to see she was crying, “Oh don't cry,” I whispered and pulled her to me. The nurse behind the desk pushed a box of Kleenex towards us and Eliza took them with a little laugh,

“Sorry Deb, just haven't gotten to see my real daughter in a long time.” I felt myself tense in surprise at her words and she seemed to realize her mistake,

“Oh Ezra, you know what I meant. I'll never replace Jane, I just..” I shrugged,

“It's fine. You're more like a mother to me than she ever was anyway.” Eliza smiled tightly,

“So when do you see him again?”

“I see him three times a week so two days? I don't know.” She stroked my cheek,

“I'm really proud of you Ezra, I want you to know that.”

            At some point over the next two weeks Frank stopped calling. A small part of myself was disappointed that he hadn’t tried harder, but the larger part was glad. Now he finally understood how terrible I actually was. Therapy was going as well I I’d expected, which wasn’t very well at all.

 

            “What was your relationship like with your father?”

I was sitting cross legged on the couch, a pillow in my lap. The anti-anxiety medication made me feel a little like I was drunk.

“It was ok.”

“Can you be more specific?” I sighed,

“We were close. He taught me everything. How to ride a bike, tie my shoes, play guitar, all of it.”

“What about your mother?”

“She was around, but we were never very close. I think she resented the fact my father loved me so much.”

“And how are you feeling today?”

            I was confused, “What do you mean?” Dr. Long looked at me over the tops of his glasses,

“You started taking your medication, how do you feel?” I shrugged,

“Ok I guess. A little out of sorts, kind of like I’m tipsy.” He nodded and made a note,

“So tell me about John.” No amount of medication in the world could have made me talk about John. I stayed quiet. “Ezra, John is the root of all of this. The death of your father started it, but John's death is what broke you. We need to talk about it.”

“Let's talk about something else,” I murmured and held the pillow in my lap close. A sigh,

“Have you dated since?”

“No.”

“Had sex?” I blushed,

“No.”

“Kissed anyone?” I was quiet for a second,

“Two people. Both within the last few months.” Dr. Long raised an eyebrow a fraction of an inch, a habit I had noticed when he was surprised despite his face showing no expression,

“That's good. Do you speak with either of the men...or women?” I laughed,

“Men, and no. Not really. I guess I could if I wanted to but one doesn't care and the other cares too much so...”

“And this one that cares too much, do you care in return?” I uncrossed my legs, “Let's talk about something else.”

 

            Most of my sessions went well. Every once in a while Dr. Long would push for me to talk about John or my feelings towards Frank and the session would end with me staring stonily at the wall until our time was up. Thanksgiving was quick since Eliza had to work and I found myself alone in the apartment for most of the day. Dr. Long had suggested that I keep a journal over the holiday to keep working through my emotions. I thought it was a load of crap. That however, did not stop Eliza from running down to the store and buying one. I stared at it from the doorway as it sat on the desk, taunting me. I sat heavily in the chair and slowly opened the journal. I picked up the pen and then stopped not sure of what to do. Dr. Long had said to try to write about how John, my father, Frank, my mother, and Eliza made me feel. I sighed and began to write, starting with Eliza, who was safest.

            “Eliza makes me feel safe. She makes me feel strong. She is the truest mother I have. Sometimes it's hard to look at her because she has John's eyes. She has no problem talking about him, but doesn't. It's for my sake I think and sometimes I think that it is hard for her. I know it's hard but I can't find it in me to comfort her. I wouldn't know how without talking about him. She doesn't know. No one does.”

            “My mother...I don't really know what to say about her. She was there, I'm sure she loves me, but she doesn't try to contact me. For seven years we've hardly spoken, and it doesn't really bother me. It's like she is a part of a different life.”

            “My father was the world when I was a kid. He taught me everything and when he died I was pretty lost. I had spent my whole life following in his footsteps and he was just gone. By a random act of violence that should have never happened. I started sneaking out and that's how I met John. Sometimes I liked to think that he died just so I could meet John. That sounds morbid, but it kind of felt that way sometimes.”

            “You want me to talk about John. You want me to describe how he made me felt. In the simplest terms, he was everything. You ask how I felt when he died....I lost everything. It's that simple. He was my identity and now he is gone. When you lose yourself twice in five years, what is there to build on?”

            “Every time I see Frank I see John. Sometimes I'm not sure if what I feel for him is real or if it is just residual love that I'm putting there because of their similarities.”

            I shut the journal and put the pen down. That was more than enough.

 

            Dr. Long read the journal, occasionally glancing up at me over his glasses, “Was this easier for you? To write this?” I shrugged, a habit I knew annoyed him,

“Maybe, but you will just make me talk about it so I don't see the point.”

“The point Ezra, it that it is easier for you to admit your feelings on paper. And once it's written it will potentially be easier to talk about them.” I shrugged again and picked at a stray string on my sweater. “When you say that no one knows, what do you mean?” I clenched my jaw and mumbled,

“I shouldn't have wrote that, I didn't mean to.”

“What does it mean?”

“It doesn't matter.”

“Ms. Reese,”

“It's nothing!” I snapped and stood, pacing the length of the couch. Dr. Long sat back and watched me. “Have you ever kept a secret Doc?” He nodded, “One that you know would hurt someone but at the same time it could give them closure? One that makes you feel like you are the worst person in the world? One that makes you feel selfish and like dirt?” Dr. Long's eyes were narrowed,

“Ezra what is it?” I looked at him, realizing what I was about to say and shook my head,

“Nothing, just a question,” and sat back down. Dr. Long watched me for a long moment and then took off his glasses and handed me the journal,

“I think we are done for the day.” I glanced up at the clock on the wall,

“We still have a half hour,” but he was standing,

“I'm not sure any good will come of it. You've been coming here almost a month. Twelve sessions and little to no progress. I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.” “You're giving up?” “Ezra you aren't trying. I can't force you to talk about your husband or your boyfriend and all we've been doing is circling the subjects for weeks.” I stared at my hands,

“So a month and we're done. That's it?”

“I was thinking I could recommend another therapist for you, maybe you will feel more comfortable with her.” I felt my mouth drop open,

“No! If I can't do it with you what makes you think a different person will help. This isn't because you are a bad therapist, this has to do with the fact that I never talk to anyone about any of this.”

“No one? You've never been able to talk about John or how you feel without wanted to run away with anyone?” I open my mouth to say no but stop when I remember that last night with Frank at the manor.

            “I-”

“Was there someone?”

“I-Yes but..”

“Who?”

“Frank.” A raised eyebrow,

“And why do you think that was?”

“His wife died two years after John. We've...he plays in the band I work for so he's been around me. He understands…He’s nice, thoughtful. He brought me home from England last month. I- He knows what it's like I guess. He knows without me having to voice it, and when I do he just gets it.” Dr. Long sat back down,

“When was the last time you talked to him?”

“At the airport. I found out he looked up Eliza to ask her about me. I wasn’t okay with that. I came to see you the next week.”

“Why did that upset you?”

“Really? The guy who wants to date me called my dead husband’s mother to ask if I could ever love him. It’s kind of fucked up,” I slapped my hand over my mouth as Dr. Long tried not to smile,

“That is probably the most at ease you have been in my office Ezra. And I think we both know why.” I shook my head,

“It will never work. He and I are too different. Too volatile. He pushes me.”

“Maybe that is just what you need, someone to push you.”

“He probably won't talk to me.”

“You go back to work in two weeks yes?” I nodded,

“Talk to him then. Tell him you are in therapy and trying to work through this.”

“What is that supposed to do?”

“You getting helps shows that you are trying, he will understand.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

The week before Christmas I found myself in Geoff and Michael's kitchen, nervously picking at my nails. Geoff gave my shoulder a sympathetic squeeze,

“He's here.”

I resisted the urge to flee. Being Frank's best friend, Geoff knew all about what had happened between us. He also knew that I had been in therapy, but he had neglected to mention this to Frank, telling me that it was very personal and something I should tell him myself. I hadn’t had the nerve to call Frank and meet him alone so I had put it off until the last possible moment.

I knew the second Frank walked into the room. Everyone stilled for a moment too long before calling out his name and pulling him into hugs. They didn’t all know what had happened, but they weren’t stupid. They had seen Frank and me hanging out at the end of the summer and suddenly we weren’t speaking again.

I kept my eyes on the fridge, making words from the letter magnets. I could feel his eyes on me, I knew I should turn around and say hello, but I was a coward and I ducked out of the kitchen and into the bathroom, not bothering to lock the door.

            “Ezra?” Geoff's voice was soft and I sniffed,

“I'm okay, I'll be out in a second okay?” He came in instead. He took one look at my tear streaked face and sighed,

“You know, if you wanted to take a break, you could. I mean we won't really need you until April.” I wiped my eyes,

“No, I want to be here. I do. I'm sorry, it's the anti- depressants, they make me really emotional sometimes.” Geoff frowned, not really convinced, but chose to believe me anyway,

“They also make you sick. I hate that you have to take them.”

“It's okay Geoff, really. I just need more time getting used to them.” Geoff shook his head but said nothing. I smiled at him and he pulled me into a side hug, shaking me a little. A knock on the door made us turn.

“We're heading down to the basement,” Frank wouldn't look at me.

“Oh, okay. Be there in a sec,” Frank shut the door and Geoff looked at the ceiling and sighed,

“I hope this doesn't mess up anything. You two being here.” I tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled,

“Don't worry.” Geoff frowned but nodded,

“Okay, well I should get down there. Come down when you've gotten it together again.” I nodded and waved as he left the bathroom, calling out to the guys as he went downstairs.

            I turned on the water and washed my face. I looked in the mirror and jumped to see Frank standing behind me. I dried my face and turned,

“You scared me.”

He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. I tugged at the hem of my t shirt self-consciously,

“How have you been?” He scoffed and rolled his eyes,

“How do you think?” I flinched and looked at the door,

“They're waiting for you,” and I could see him stiffen. We stood in silence for a long moment then he pushed off the wall and left the bathroom, body tense.

            I thudded down the steps of the basement, the noise muffled by the cacophony of sound from the amps. Geoff had sound proofed the basement last year so that he could have the guys over so they could practice. I collapsed onto a worn out couch with Carl, who pulled me over and under his arm. He knew I was taking meds since I had to get him to drive me to get my prescription that morning. He squeezed me and asked if everything was alright, I looked up to see Frank watching us. He turned away when he saw me looking. I just nodded and rested my head against his shoulder. Geoff announced that the cd was going to be an anthem piece that told a story. He wanted it to come full circle and had decided that he was going to be a character that coincided with said story. The story concept behind it intrigued me, and after the practice I sidled up to Geoff with a smile,

“A story concept huh? What story are you wanting to tell?” Geoff looked behind me at the guys then back at me,

“Actually, I need to talk to you about that. I uh- I was wondering if you would be willing to talk to me about John. I want to do a song about cancer.” The room got quiet. I could see the sympathy in Geoff's face, and I could also see the hope. I swallowed and nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Geoff's grin was huge, “Really? Oh Ez that's amazing. If it works out I’ll dedicate it to him or you and really this is just amazing. Thank you.” I found myself smiling a little,

“I actually have some of John's old music if you want to see it? He wrote it during chemo.” Geoff's smile faltered,

“Would that be okay?” I shrugged,

“I will call Eliza tonight and ask her to mail it here.” He pulled me into a hug,

“Thank you Ezra, really, I know it's hard for you.” I smiled tightly as Geoff turned his attention to Dom and started talking lyrics and guitars.

            I stuck around the basement for just a while longer as the guys went up for lunch. My brain seemed to be fried. Giving him John’s music was a big deal. It was huge, and I was fighting to pretend that it wasn’t.

“I told him you would never go for it, but he insisted on asking.” I turned to see Frank sitting on the bottom step of the stairs.

“Well I guess it's good he did. I think it's a good idea.” Frank stood,

“Do you?” I nodded. “I guess that's the meds talking huh? Cause the Ezra I know would never agree to that. She would have taken off running in the other direction. I suppose being numb would help with that.” His voice was harsh and I hugged myself,

“What are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about the pharmacy in your bag,” he pulled my bag out from behind him and dropped it between us, pills rattling in their bottles.

“My doctor had me trying out a few things, seeing what works.” Frank took a step closer,

“Your doctor?”

“Yes. I started seeing a therapist.” Another step forward,

“Why?”

“I- I needed help.”

“And when did you start seeing this therapist?” We were toe to toe and I felt my hands shaking,

“The week after we got back.” Frank blinked then stepped back, running a hand through his hair.

“You didn't call me back,” he murmured quietly and I hugged myself tighter,

“After a while I didn't think you'd want me to.” He looked at me sadly,

“Of course I did.” I swallowed against the lump in my throat,

“I guess I thought I was doing you a favor. I've got a lot of baggage.” Frank scoffed and smiled,

“Ez, we have a matched set,” and raised his eyes to look at the ceiling, “So what now?” I shrugged,

“I think maybe we could try again, as friends?” He shook his head,

“I don’t want to be just friends Ez.”

“A friend is what I really need right now.” He sighed. “But that isn't to say that I don't want more. I just need it slow. I'm taking a lot of medication that makes me sick. I'm talking to doctors about things I can hardly admit to myself and I'm letting Geoff write a song based off my dead husband. I really need someone to talk to who isn't going to analyze me, please.” Frank lowered his eyes until they met mine, “I'm not promising anything Ezra,” I slid my hand in his,

“I know, and now I'm trying to move on.”

            When we came out of the basement holding hands the guys cheered and whooped. I could feel myself blushing but Frank just smiled and kissed my forehead.

“So what's for lunch?” he asked and the guys looked around, unsure.

            “IHOP,” I suggested and was rewarded with grins. From the moment we left the kitchen until the moment we got back, Frank hardly let go of my hand. That night we watched movies until everyone but me was asleep. The medication seemed to make me an insomniac. I untangled myself from all the guys and crept into the kitchen to check in with Dr. Long like I promised,

“Hello?”

“Hey Dr. Long, I'm sorry it's so late,”

“Hello Ezra, it's okay, I'm actually still at the office, how are things?”

“Well the medication makes it so I can't sleep but other than that it is going well. Geoff is going to write a song about cancer and I'm letting him use John's old music.”

“Good Ezra, that's very good.”

            I jumped as Frank's arms slid around my waist and he buried his face sleepily in my neck, “Let's go to bed,” he mumbled and pulled me towards the hallway.

“Is that Frank?”

“Yes.”

“Ezra listen to me, I want you to take things slow with him. The medication can make you a little fuzzy and I want to be sure that you are safe.”

“I'll be okay doc, he's just tired, I'm going to put him to bed.”

            Frank was asleep within a few minutes, but when I tried to leave he grabbed my arm, “Stay,” he whispered and I felt my chest tighten. I pulled back the covers and slipped in, Frank's arms already around me, “Stay,” he murmured again and I nodded, unable to speak. His eyes searched mine for a moment before they began to close, “I missed you.” I smiled and stroked his cheek. Once I was sure he was asleep I slid out of bed and went down the hall to get my bag. Now was as good a time as any to start on my homework for Dr. Long. I slid back into bed with my journal and pen in hand. I skipped a few pages then started to write.

            I must have fallen asleep writing because when I opened my eyes it was morning and Frank was awake. “Hey,” he murmured and kissed my nose.

“Hi,” I yawned and turned away to stretch.

“What are you writing?” I glance down at the journal half open between us,

“You didn't read it?” He shrugged,

“I wanted to, but I figured it was for therapy since I've never seen you with it before.” I scooped the little book up and opened it slowly,

“Dr. Long wants me to write about him. How me met, when we lived together, all of it. It's actually not as hard as I thought it would be. I think talking about it will be worse, but still, it's not too bad.” Frank nodded, his face worried.

“It's ok, I promise. Do you- Do you want to read it?” Frank looked uncomfortable,

“Ez, you don't have to do that. Plus, it could kind of be awkward...” I frowned,

“No worse than if I were to hear about Michelle. It's...different. They are dead.”

“Yes, but if they were alive we wouldn't be here, in this bed, having this conversation.” I pull away and shut the journal,

“I guess that’s true.” and rolled out of bed and hurried into the bathroom before the rest of the house woke up. When I returned, Frank was holding the journal in his hands,

“I feel like if I read this then knowing that I will never be good enough will become a reality.”

I stood frozen in the doorway, “You can't let go of him so I know that you loved him and I guess I feel like I will never have all of you. And I would rather have the fiction of what he was like in my head then the reality of what is in here.” He gripped the journal tightly. I bit my lip and moved to sit next to him,

“He wasn't perfect. We weren't perfect. Almost from the beginning everything was wrong.” Frank shrugged but I could see a little smile,

“Will you read it to me?” I hesitated then took the journal out of his hand,

“Ok, but if it makes you uncomfortable tell me.” Frank nodded and pulled me back to lay against him,

            “Ok. February 1999. I met Johnathan at a club when I was sixteen. I was rebelling. My father had just died six months before and my mother had begun to smother me so much I thought that I would suffocate. The club was featuring some shitty garage-punk band that really couldn't play, but that was kind of the point. The “starving artist, struggling to make it big” type thing. It was only the third time I had slipped out of the apartment, but it was addictive. The loud, thrashing music, hazy air, and close, hot bodies were always sure to make me slip into a dreamless sleep when I returned to my mother and I's little apartment at three in the morning. That was what I wanted, not to dream, not to think, to just be in the moment and let my cares slip away.”

            Frank and I actually fell into an easy rhythm after that first night. The guys practiced and worked on the cd during the day and Frank and I eased back into a relationship in the evenings. By Christmas I was comfortable enough to let him kiss me in public and to his credit, Frank never pushed for more. I think that's what made it easier, the fact that he could accept my limitations. Every night I wrote a little more in the journal. Sometimes it was hard to remember details, other times it just hurt to remember. On the nights the medication made me sick or emotional Frank was there.

Christmas day I took him to Eliza's so we could celebrate before her shift.

            I opened the box and stared, “Frank, what is this?” He was grinning,

“I checked the tag on one of your dresses and bought the same size. I got shoes with it too.” I was looking down at what appeared to be a very expensive black cocktail dress and stilettos.

“Frank this is too much, where would I even wear this?”

“To parties, clubs, press things. You'll be my date to award shows you know.” I felt my jaw drop, “Frank I can't be on camera, oh my god.” Eliza just laughed,

“That's what you get for dating a famous musician hun, lots of publicity.” My face flushed,

“It's still so weird that you are okay with this.” Eliza sobered,

“Ezra of course I am. You're like my daughter, I want you to be happy.” She squeezed my knee and I smiled tightly at her before turning back to Frank,

“This dress is beautiful Frank, thank you.” He smiled and looked away, face a little tense. I always tended to do this, hurt him without meaning to. He got the same look when I read to him from my journal. He never asked me to stop, but I could tell it bothered him I talked about John. He never really mentioned Michelle, something that I hated to admit I was okay with. I had a feeling that I would be having the same reaction if he talked about her.

 

            We left just after New Years for California to start recording the record. Before we left, Frank insisted on taking me to a surprise. When we pulled up to the cemetery where our spouses were buried I felt like throwing up.

“I don't want to be here Frank.” My voice was a strangled whisper. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly,

“I want to show you something and I need to explain a few things. Now that we are together I think it's time I told you about my past and what happened with Michelle, just like how you've been honest about John.” I felt guilt slice through my gut. Fair was fair. He had heard about John, and now it was my turn. The mausoleum where Michelle was buried was beautiful. Frank murmured something about how Michelle had never wanted to be put in the ground. Inside I stood frozen as I took it in. One whole side of the wall was covered with a mural of who I could only assume was Michelle. She was pretty and I felt my face warm. We looked nothing alike and I couldn’t help but wonder how Frank liked me but chided myself. He wasn't exactly John's twin. I took a step closer to the granite tomb and noticed little odd things laying around. Some candles, dried flowers, words on paper, a few stuffed animals.

“I always bring something anytime I come by,” Frank's eyes were on the mural and he reached in his jacket to pull out a plastic ring, the kind you get out of gumball machines. He sat it next to a stuffed bear and sighed,

            “I met Michelle when we were young. She was smart, so smart and I figured she would never fall for a guy like me but she did. Her dad was a drinker, and a fiend. He would beat her and her mom until one time she came to me, in the rain. She hated thunderstorms. Anyway we had our ups and downs at first, then we were okay. She was around for my first band. Then things got a little rocky. She uh-she got pregnant and we just started fighting a lot. She-she came over to my apartment to talk and we said things we shouldn't have. She went to leave and I called to her to stop her and she turned and-she fell down a flight of stairs and miscarried at the hospital.”

            I didn't look at him.

            “Things were hard at first, but we pulled through. That's when I met Michael and Geoff and started in the band with them. Michelle went on tour with us, she started to seem better then she got pregnant again. I-I feel like such an idiot for letting it happen again. I wasn't thinking. We knew she had a high risk of miscarrying again but we went through with the pregnancy.”

            I could already tell what would happen and I closed my eyes against the agony in his voice,

            “She went into labor three or four months early. It-It was a still born and I could tell that I had lost her. She ran. I don't know how she ran so fast but she ran and I tried to stop her, tried to catch her but I wasn't fast enough,” he took a shuddering breath, “She ran to the old fort I had built her when we were kids and she was almost there when she tripped. I couldn't have been maybe ten feet behind her. I saw it happening and there was nothing I could do to stop it. She cracked her head on a rock and by the time I got to her she was already dying. I carried her into the fort and I held her until she was gone. I held her, was covered in her blood. I watched the life leave her eyes. I will never forgive myself. Ever. I will never stop blaming myself for her death. Because of me she miscarried twice. Because of me she ran. Because of me she is dead.”

            All this time I had thought he was coping better. I had actually believed that he was okay. All the times I had leaned on him for strength, he had needed me just as much.

“How?” He looked up at me, his eyes red, “How do you get over holding the person you love most in your arms and watching them die?”

I just shook my head, “You don't. You can't.”

He nodded, “I used to think that too, and then I met you.”


	8. Chapter 8

            The guys had rented a little condo ten minutes from the recording studio on Spring street. I had my own room in a suite with Carl in a hotel two streets over. Frank and I hadn't talked a lot since our visit to the cemetery. Somehow his revealing that piece of himself had made it harder for us to be closer instead of easier. I felt like I couldn’t be as honest with him because I was being a burden. I wanted to be stronger for him but it only seemed to put a wall up between us.

The first few days were a whirlwind of getting set up and trying out a few things. Geoff and the guys were hoping to have the album out in mid-April and to start touring directly after its release.

Geoff invited me over to the condo around a week after we had been in California.

            “Okay so something has happened,” I raised an eyebrow,

“What's wrong?” Geoff's face was red,

“I-I'm in love. I wanted to tell you months ago but I wanted to make sure you were okay,” I stared,

“In love? When have you had time?” He chuckled,

“Well, that's the thing, I met her on the internet. I just saw her last week right before we left.”

“And?”

“She is amazing. Oh my God Ez. I can't even put it into words how perfect she is.” I smiled,

“You should try. What's her name?”

“Millie.” I felt something tickle the back of my mind,

“That's a cute name. What's she look like?”

“Dark hair and light eyes, a tattoo from our band. She loves us, a total die hard.” I frowned,

“How did you meet her,” Geoff scuffed his shoe,

“Complete accident. I don't even know how I didn't know it was her,” he smiled ruefully, “It's Bert's sister.” I smacked my forehead and started laughing, “Ezra?”

“I've met her! On the tour last year, we met on bonfire night and talked for a few hours. We totally talked about you! Except we didn't know it was you. Holy shit.” Geoff's mouth was hanging open,

“Seriously? Ezra that's perfect!” I tilted my head to the side,

“Why?”

“Because she is going on tour with us!” My eyes widened,

“Do the guys know?”

“I told them last night,”

“And?”

“They are a little unsure, but now that I know you are friends it will totally be okay. She is a little shy so you being there will help a lot.” I rubbed the back of my neck,

“If you say so. When will she be here?”

“The day before the release party. She has a few things to wrap up.” I nodded,

“All right. Well we will take care of her when she gets here. You know that.” Geoff grinned,

“Thanks Ez,” and he pulled me into a tight hug.

           

“Hello?”

“Hey babe, what are you up to?”

“Just folding clothes. Got back from the laundromat a few minutes ago. How was recording?”

“Would have been better if you were there.”

“You know Carl and I switch off on babysitting, besides, I had to do laundry.”

“Yeah I know, Joe said he wanted to talk to you tomorrow.”

Joe was the guy who ran the recording booth, “Oh yeah? Okay, I'll go see him tomorrow.”

Frank is quiet for a moment, “We're okay right?”

“Of course.”

 

            I left the guys at the entrance of their condo, my mind going a mile a minute. They invited me in for lunch but I waved them away, already walking away. Joe had offered me a job, a safe, dependable, profitable job. I had never really thought about not touring with the guys. It just seemed like a given. I would have worried about another job once they broke up in a few years. I dialed Dr. Long without really thinking about it,

“Hello?”

“I just got offered a job.”

“Ah, Hello Ezra, good to talk to you too.”

“Yeah, Hi. Did you hear me?”

“Yes, you were offered a job. That's good.”

“I would have to leave the band.”

“You mean Frank.”

“I mean I would live in California.”

“So Eliza too then.”

“It's a good job, a really good job.”

“What matters more?”

“You mean money or my family?”

“In a sense. Ezra just because you take a job in California or anywhere for that matter doesn't mean you are leaving people behind. You have a phone, email, planes. It would just be long distance.”

“Yeah.”

“Listen, why don't you talk to Eliza and Frank about this and see if they can help you.”

“Frank will think I'm leaving him.”

“Because of what he told you about his wife?”

“Yes. Eliza will be for it, but I know Frank will say no and he will be offended I even thought about it.”

“You never know until you ask.”

 

            Joe had told me I had until the guys got finished recording to make a decision. He also offered to give me a recommendation if I wanted to pursue the career back home. He hinted though, that the amount of money he was offering me was significantly larger then what I would get starting out elsewhere. On Valentine's Day I still hadn't mentioned the job offer to Frank. I was still afraid of his reaction and the thought of moving to California. We were in his room after a dinner at a nice little restaurant. We were sitting on the floor next to the bed sharing a bottle of wine and rifling through his DVD collection to find something to watch.

“Nightmare Before Christmas?” I shrugged,

“Never seen it.” Frank made a choking noise,

“What! No,no,no,no, we are watching this right now. How could you not have seen this? It came out when we were like eleven.”

“What? I wasn't big into movies.” Frank laughed and put the movie in then sat back and pulled me against him. It's an old claymation film about a skeleton trying to steal Christmas and a ragdoll who is pining for him. Frank hummed along to the music and I snuggled up closer. Once the movie was over Frank looked at me for my verdict,

“Loved it,” I said with a grin and he kissed me. “Start it again?” He obliged me and about ten minutes in a pulled his face towards mine.

 

            “Are you sure?”

Frank was above me, his face flushed. I nodded and smiled. I bit back a gasp and dug my nails into his skin. His body was hot and slightly sweaty as he thrust against me, little groans of pleasure escaping him. I clung to him and did my best to keep up with his rhythm which was becoming more frantic. With a groan Frank went rigid, his face in my shoulder and I stroked his back, my heart hammering in my chest. After a moment he rolled over and disposed of certain things then pulled me onto his chest, arms tight around me,

“Are you okay?” I looked down at him and raised an eyebrow,

“Are you going to ask that every time?” He chuckled and kissed my chin,

“Maybe.”

“I'm fine,” I murmured, and I really was. “I thought this would be more of a big deal but really, it was nice.”

“Just nice?” I smirked,

“Are you saying you can do better?”

“Give me a minute and I will show you.”

            After the second time, we somehow wound up on the bed, my head on Frank's chest. I was making lazy circles with my fingers across his chest while he stroked my back.

“Are you going to take the recording job?” I tensed,

“What do you mean?”

“Today Joe asked Geoff if you had thought anymore about the job he offered. I overheard Geoff saying that you still weren't sure. Why didn't you say anything? Joe asked you almost a month ago.” I sat up and hugged my knees,

“It's a big decision, I'd be leaving Jersey to move here. I'd be quitting a job I know is safe.”

“You'd be leaving me.” I looked back at him, it wasn't an accusation,

“Yes,” I whispered and he sat up to, his lips finding my bare shoulder,

“If you left it would hurt, but I can't really dictate your life. This job is a big deal. It'd be good for you.” “So you want me to take it?” He chewed the inside of his cheek,

“If I'm being honest not really, but I'm a good boyfriend so I am going to say that I'm okay with anything you decide and that's me being honest as well. I just want you happy.”

            The next day I asked Joe to show me some of what I'd be doing so I could really decide and he grinned at me and clapped my shoulder. Within a few hours I was in heaven. The mixing board was huge and the amount of extra cables and mics was astounding. When Frank came to get me after their session I was pretty into it and absently kissed his cheek and told him I'd be a little late and would see him for dinner. He hesitated at the door when then left, eyes never leaving my face.

            By the end of February I had pretty much decided it was my dream job. The fact that it was in California was a deal breaker though, especially since Frank was already acting different. March first I went into the studio to talk to Joe and he pulled me into the recording booth where Geoff and the guys were recording. I watched him work for a few minutes before he gestured for me to come over. He put his hands over mine and showed me which levels to push and when to lower them. Geoff's voice surrounded us and I looked up at him and grinned. I glanced at Frank to see him glaring. I smiled, puzzled then turned back to Joe who had me lower the mic level for Roy's solo. They went through the song two more times before Joe called for a break. I looked up in time to see Frank slam out of the booth. I met Geoff's eyes and he nodded for me to meet him outside. I thanked Joe and pushed out of the studio to find Geoff waiting for me, “So you're taking the job?” I frowned,

“I'm-”

“I'd appreciate it if you would lay off the flirting until we aren't around.” I stared,

“What are you talking about?”

“Joe, it's kind of obvious and not really fair to Frank.”

“Geoff come on. Joe was showing me how to work the equipment, I helped record that song!”

“Is that why you were grinning ear to ear at him?” I scoffed,

“Geoff this is my dream job. Being in there, hearing you guys play and knowing that I'm helping, that I am making music, it was amazing. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I love it.” Geoff sighed and rubbed his face,

“You really do, I can tell. I'm sorry I accused you, I knew better. It's just, the way he was looking at you and then you were smiling back...I don't know, we kind of just assumed. And you've been staying late.” I couldn't believe it,

“You are kidding me. Jesus Geoff he's my boss. He was probably smiling because I was. People generally like when someone is passionate about what they are passionate about. And even if that isn't what it is I don't care. Why wouldn't you just ask me?” He grimaced,

“Frank was-”

“Fuck Frank. Is that why he's been so weird? Heaven forbid he just say something to me, Jesus.”

            I turned on my heel and stormed off to the entrance. Frank was just outside, smoking.

“What the hell is your problem?” I exploded and he looked mildly surprised before a mask of annoyance slipped over,

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“I'm trying to do my job,” he scoffed,

“Your job, right. Guess you did decide to leave us then.” I hesitated,

“No, I haven't.” He pushed off the side of the building,

“Bullshit, I saw you in there you couldn't get enough of it, or him.” I nodded,

“Oh yeah, I just couldn't get enough of the man who was just showing me how to do MY JOB!” Frank threw his cigarette down and came toe to toe with me,

“I saw the way you smiled at him Ezra, I'm not an idiot,”

“But you are still an over protective, jealous, asshole.” I hissed and he laughed mirthlessly,

“You are being a real bitch right now.” I pushed him,

“Fuck you Isle,” and he smiled wickedly,

“You already have sweetheart.” I swallowed,

“Believe me, I wish I hadn't,” and turned away from him and went back into the building.

            Geoff tried to ask me if I was okay but I pushed past him and into the studio. Joe gave me a smile and asked if I was ready to start again. I looked up and saw Geoff had an agitated Frank in the corner of the booth, talking lowly in his ear. Their voices were muffled through glass and they separated when Joe asked if they were ready.

            The rest of the day I did everything in my power not to look at Frank. I could feel him staring, his angry eyes burning my skin. Once the session was over I asked Joe if he cared if I stuck around while he edited. There was a crash in the booth and we turned to see Geoff had Frank by the arm and Frank looked livid. I was glad the overheads were off as Frank yelled what I could only guess were obscenities. Joe glanced between us uneasily,

“Is everything okay?” I shrugged,

“He is having a bad day. He's a bit of a spoiled brat when he doesn't get what he wants. You know musicians.” Joe nodded, his eyes still on Frank, who had calmed and was shaking his head as Geoff talked to him.

 

            When I went up to the condo for dinner Geoff stopped me at the door, “He doesn't want to see you Ez.” I blinked,

“So?”

“So, I think it would be better if you weren't around for a few days.” I was taken aback,

“You are kidding me,”

“No, I'm not. To be honest I think you should just take the job. We'll be gone in a month or so and all of this will be over.”

“All of this...You're firing me.”

“I'm giving you an out. Your relationship is effecting Frank and he is more vital than a techie. I'm sorry. I'm your friend and I just want you guys to be okay.” I nodded,

“Right. Well fine. I'll go back and tell Joe I changed my mind.” The door opened wider and Geoff moved so Frank could come outside.

“What do you mean changed your mind?”

“I just came from the studio. I told him thanks but no.”

“Why, you love working there.” I shrugged, “I guess it wasn't as important as other things.” Geoff moved out of the doorway and quietly shut the door. Frank shoved his hands in his pockets,

“You mean me?” I raised an eyebrow,

“Maybe, although you have been a bit of an ass the last few weeks.”

“Pretty much, I figured you were leaving.”

“You said it was okay.”

“I lied.”

“I know. I've always known. I would never have taken the job Frank,” He sighed and scuffed his shoe, “So now what?”

“I guess we make up.”

            The cd was released the second week of April. All of the singles had sold well, so we weren't too surprised when the cd sold better. You got to love fangirls. The night of the release we all celebrated with a little alcohol and a lot of music. The tour would start May 1st, to give the guys time to get it all ready and bring back all the techies that toured with us. Frank and I slept together in a drunken haze. It wasn't until April thirtieth that I gave much thought to that night. It all came flooding back with nauseating clarity. There had been no protection. The stick in my hand couldn't be wrong. Frank was going to freak out. I dialed Stella's number and tapped my foot as I waited for her to answer.

“Hey Ez, you ready yet?”

            Frank's voice made me jump, “Just a second!” I yelped and he knocked again, “Ezra are you okay? We're going to be late, you've been in there for a while.” “Yeah,” I choked and clenched the stick tighter in my fist, mentally begging for Stella to answer already. The door to the bathroom swung open and I threw the stick into the shower and stood quickly, looking very guilty. I shut my phone and swallowed,

“What?” it came out a little harsh. Frank looked suspicious,

“What's going on in here, who are you calling?”

“Nobody,” I said too quickly and Frank frowned,

“Ezra don't lie to me, who were you calling.”

“It's nothing,” I snapped and pushed him back into the bedroom and shut the bathroom door.

“Don't push me,” he grumbled, “What's your problem?” I bit the inside of my cheek hard then used that pain to snap,

“Maybe you're my problem.” Frank blinked and took a step back. I hated the flash of hurt in his eyes, but I was desperate. I needed him out of the room so I could think,

“What? Ez are you taking your meds?” Real annoyance took over,

“Of course I am. You check each day, don't think I haven't noticed.” He really did check, it drove me crazy.

“I just want you okay,”

“I'm not a recovering drug addict,” I groaned, “It's not like I'm going to relapse. I just don't want to go to this stupid party! I told you weeks ago.” Frank sighed,

“Ezra you're my girlfriend, you should go.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“It's stupid. I'm not in the mood to go out.”

“Where is this coming from? You were fine this morning, you picked out your dress and everything.”   

   He pointed to the black dress I had carefully laid out that morning. It was the one he bought me for Christmas.

“I changed my mind. I don't want to go with you.”

“Ez, please don't do this right now. I really don't want to start a fight before we go on tour.” I swallowed, the sudden realization that if I was pregnant I couldn’t go with them. Frank would never let me and Frank's face fell at my hesitation,

“No, Ez you said you were coming, you promised. Don't back out. We are doing great right now.”

He was right of course. Our relationship was really good. I was completely comfortable with him and had agreed to meet his mother when we went back through Jersey. The pregnancy was already ruining things.

“We'll talk once you get back, the guys will be waiting for you.” Frank closed his eyes and visibly counted to ten,

“Ezra I am not up for a fight tonight, I told you.”

“And I told you I'm not going to your stupid party.”

“God damn it Ezra stop acting like a child, it's just a fucking party. We don't even have to stay the whole time. You're expected to be there.”

“Fuck you Isle, I'm not going.” I went back into the bathroom and slammed the door, pressing my body against it with a gasp. Frank either punched or kicked the door and called me a bitch before storming out of the room.

 

            I was finally done crying by the time I called Stella,

“Hello?”

“Stella I'm pregnant.”

A thump and a lot of British cursing, “Shit, dropped the phone. Ezra are you sure?”

“The test was positive. I will take the second one tomorrow.”

“Oh god, have you told Frank?”

“No...I can't, it will kill him.”

“What? Why? It's just a baby.”

“His wife had two miscarriages and killed herself basically.”

“Wow, Ezra this guy has just as much of a screwed up past as you.”

I gave a choked laugh, “I know. He's perfect.”

“So are you going to tell him?”

“I want to be sure first. I-I started a fight with him earlier. He almost caught me with the pregnancy test. He doesn't need to know yet.”

“Aren't you leaving for the tour tomorrow?”

“Yes. If the second test is positive I will tell him in the morning before he leaves.”

“Wait, you aren't going?”

“Not if I'm pregnant. He won't want me to go, or to keep it.”

“Ezra you need to tell him, now. Where is he?”

“He is at a club downtown.”

“Then get all dolled up and go down there and tell him.”

“Stella I can just wait until he gets home. He's been gone almost a half hour already.”

“Ez if you wait to tell him he won't forgive you.”

I took a deep breath, “You're right. I'll call you tomorrow?”

“You better.”

 

            I took a half hour to get ready, but the result was something I had never achieved or really tried for before. My hair was shiny and curled softly to my shoulders. I’d gotten it professionally dyed dark blonde a month or so before, tired of the colored streaks. My eyes were smoky and my lips had just a touch of lipstick. The dress fit like a glove and ended a little above my knees with a deep sweetheart neckline, cap sleeves, and an oval cutout between my shoulders. The heels made me three inches taller and I wobbled for a moment before I got used to them. The entire cab ride to the club I rehearsed what I would say in my mind. I paid the cabbie and stared at the club for a long moment before heading to the doorman. I gave him my name and showed him my ID. He let me in with a nod and I shook my hair behind my shoulders and steeled myself for what I was about to do.

            As I made my way through the club towards the VIP room “Tear You Apart” by She Wants Revenge began to play making my heart beat a little faster. It was one of Frank's favorite songs and had been playing the last time we had had sex. I shook those thoughts out of my head and started to go up the steps. I was halfway to the top when I caught sight of something that made me freeze. There was a beautiful, leggy blonde pressed up against Frank at the table. Her skirt barely covered anything and her sparkling tank top dipped so low that if any other woman who legitimately had breasts wore it, they would be arrested for public nudity. She was talking in Frank's ear, her hand on his thigh. Frank was smiling as he sipped his drink, his head moving in rhythm to the music. Geoff was sitting across from them, his eyes narrowed. Millie was next to him, her hand on his, looking uncomfortable. She and I had only talked briefly earlier in the day, but she knew Frank and I were together.

The blonde tipped back her head and laugh as something Frank said, giving my boyfriend a perfect opportunity to stare at her bare skin. He didn't disappoint. I could feel utter rage boiling to the surface. When the blonde lowered her head she went in for the kiss. As their lips met, I felt the overwhelming urge to throw up. At that moment Geoff finally noticed me on the stairs. He slammed his hands on the table and starting yelling at Frank, who pulled away from the blonde quickly. Millie looked away as Geoff gestured towards me and Frank turned, eyes wide. I was already walking away before we even made eye contact.

            Outside the club I was breathing heavily as I waited for a cab. Frank burst out of the club and was frantically looking around before he saw me. I started walking away, ignoring him as he called my name. I made it to the next block before he caught up to me,

“Jesus Ezra wait please!” He pulled on my arm and I turned and slapped him before pushing him away,

“Don't you fucking touch me!” His eyes were wide as he slid a hand over his stinging cheek, “Ezra please, I'm sorry, it didn't mean anything.”

“You disgust me.” Hurt crossed his face before he got angry,

“You started a fight with me, you told me you weren't coming on tour. You basically broke up with me.” I stared,

“Are you fucking serious? I said that we needed to talk when you got back and you assume I'm going to dump you? Well you moved on real god damn fast. Kudos to you Frank, she looked like real fucking winner. I hope you have a good one night stand together. Be sure to use a condom.” I turned away but Frank kept a grip on my arm,

“What? No!”

“If you think I'm going to stay with you after the shit you just pulled you are crazy. We are done Isle, finished. And I want you to know that it is utterly and completely your fault.”

            Frank let go of me and took a step back his face shocked. We stood awkwardly for a moment as my words sunk in. I felt terrible. My head was pounding and I felt like I was going to throw up. Frank just nodded and took another step back.

“I'm pregnant,” I said flatly and his eyes locked with mine, “That's why I was upset earlier. I was worried about how you would take it so I picked the fight to try to buy more time.” Frank was very still. “I think I'm going to get Joe to give me a reference for Jersey. I think I need to be home.” He still didn't move. I sighed and hailed a cab. As I got in I looked back to see Frank standing in the same spot, disbelief on his face.

            I wasn't crying. In fact I had effectively shoved the sadness down and was running off determination. I booked a flight to Jersey for the next afternoon and left a message for Eliza to let her know I was coming home and would explain everything when I got there. Most of my things were packed so I only had so pack the essentials in the morning. I was sitting on the bed staring at the floor when Frank appeared in front of me. I forgot I gave him the extra key card to my room. We looked at each other in silence for a moment.

“Please,” a whispered plea,

“No. Not after tonight. I can't.” He came closer,

“Ezra I'm sorry okay? I messed up, I was buzzed but that's no excuse. I-I reacted badly.”

“And I should have just been honest with you, we both messed up, but there is nothing okay with what you did. How can I trust you? All it took was one fight and you immediately went for revenge.”

“I thought you were leaving, I couldn't take that,”

“And now I am.” Frank let out a breath,

“Please don't leave,”

“You kissed another girl. If I kissed Joe you would let it go?” He wouldn't look at me, “Exactly. I think this is for the best.”

“What about the baby?” He was looking at me now.

I shrugged, “I will go to the doctor this week and make sure.” He nodded,

“And then what?” I stand and look him in the eye,

“And then nothing. I'm keeping it.” He seemed surprised,

“You aren't ready for kids, you said so yourself.” “Things change. Don't worry I won't hold you accountable, you're free and clear.”

“You think that's what I want?”

“No, I think you want me to have an abortion.” He flinched and I knew I was right, “Like I said, don't worry about it.” I sat back down on the bed and Frank came and sat beside me.

“I wish you wouldn't leave.”

“And I wish you wouldn't kiss strange women. Guess we don't get what we want all the time.” Frank sighed,

“Ezra please. I said I was sorry. I am an idiot and an asshole, don't you think I know that? Don't you think I wished I had just stayed here and got you to talk to me? I was being selfish because we had been doing so much better. I felt like you were better. And you were right, I would have reacted badly and to be honest you probably would have left anyway. I just-please don't get angry but,” he pulled my face to his. I could taste the cigarette he had had on the ride over on his lips. His hands cradled my face and I could feel I was about to cry. He pulled away a little, his forehead against mine, “I love you.” Three words and I was crying. Three words and I feel like I was dying. Frank looks guilty as I pull away sobbing. He sits beside me until I finally choke,

“Get out!” He stood but hesitating. “Please just leave. That is the most selfish thing you have ever said to me and I can't look at you. Just go.”

“Ezra, please,”

“Get out!” I screamed and he finally obliged, the door shutting quietly behind him.

 

            By the time I landed in Jersey the next night I had calmed down and my face was a perfect mask of indifference. Eliza drew my blood for the pregnancy test herself and held my hand while we waited for the results. When they came back negative I got a pang of regret before I pushed it away and told Eliza I was glad. For the next two weeks Eliza watched me like a hawk, waiting for my inevitable breakdown. I interviewed with a recording studio in downtown Newark and got the job thanks to Joe's recommendation. I started the job and the first week flew by. I came home Friday to see a bouquet of pink roses sitting on the counter.

“They were delivered this morning,” Eliza called from the couch and I approached them like they were poisonous. I pull the card from its holder,

‘I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. Please call me, Frank.’

I throw it away without rereading it and head to my bedroom, Eliza's eyes on my back.

            By the end of May I'm in love with my job and am feeling better. I started exercising and Dr. Long let me lower my dosage of prescriptions once he was sure I wasn't going to go off the deep end over the break up. Frank continued to send flowers every Friday and he even called once. I let it go to voice mail. Mid-June I picked up my guitar. The following Tuesday I went to Cale's and played in the first slot.

“It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside

I'm not one of those who can easily hide.

I don't have much money, but if I did,

I'd buy a big house where we both could live.”

            My fingers slid over the ivory keys and the music made my heart stop feeling so tight,

“I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss.

Well a few of the verse, well they've got me quite cross.

But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song.

It's for people like you that keep it turned on.”

            Once I was done Cale and his wife gave me my free drink and we caught up for an hour or so before I took the bus back home. There was a note from Eliza on the counter reminding me I had an appointment the next day and that Frank had called for me, twice. The next morning Dr. Long raised an eyebrow at the grin on my face,

“Good morning Ezra, is there something you would like to tell me?”

“I played again last night. Not my guitar but the piano. It was-”

“Like you never stopped?”

“Exactly,” I felt positively giddy.

“Have you talked to Frank yet?”

I shrugged, “I still have nothing to say to him, although, when I thought about him yesterday, I didn't want to throw up. That is progress yes?”

Dr. Long unprofessionally rolled his eyes, “I suppose. Have you finished your journal yet?”

I pulled the little book from my bag, “I think so.”

Dr. Long took it from me and sat it in his lap, “Where did you choose to end it?”

I hugged myself, “With John's death. I want you to know that once you see this, you will be the only other person to know about that morning.”

Dr. Long nodded solemnly, “I understand. Have you decided if you will keep a journal?”

“Yes,”

“Where will you start?”

I smiled, “Where I always intended, with Frank.”

 

            On July fourth Eliza and I went to the park to watch the fireworks. We were laying on the blanket in the grass when she said quietly, “I think you should talk to him.”

“Eliza he cheated, there is nothing to say.”

“He kissed her, he didn't sleep with her, and there is a difference.”

“Not to me. And he agreed he would have been angry if I had done the same thing. Besides I'm a lot happier now than I ever was with him.”

“That's because he was your identity, just like John was. You never found yourself.”

            I turned on my side to look at her, “You're right, and I'm happy with me. I'd love to date me, I'm great.” She laughed and patted my arm,

“You are definitely amazing, but I think you could be even better with Frank, you love him.”

“I never said that,”

“I'm not blind Ezra, you didn't have to say it. Just remember he gave you a second chance.”

            After a shower the next morning I called his cell phone,

“Hello?” He sounded groggy. They tended to sleep between shows.

“Hey, it's me.”

“Hey!” He sounded much more awake, “I'm really glad you called, how have you been?”

“Really good actually. I love my job. I'm taking less medication and I'm working out twice a week. I've started playing again. It's- It's really good.”

“It sounds like it,” he seemed sad.

“How are you?”

A long pause, “Not as good as you. You sound like you've really gotten things together. I'm happy for you.”

“Thanks. Uh when are you guys coming through Jersey?”

“Two weeks, why?”

“I was thinking we could have lunch.”

 

            “You look great,” he said as he hugged me and I felt the familiar rush of headiness I normally felt around him. He looked tired, his hair longer and dark bags under his eyes,

“Are you okay?” He nodded,

“This tour is just a little hard you know. It will be done Thanksgiving and then we start a world tour in February and we will be gone almost a whole year.” I gaped,

“A full year on tour? Frank's that's crazy!” He chuckled,

“Believe me I know, but it's already approved and they are starting to advertise.” I shook my head, a year on tour would be hell. We ate in silence for a little while.

“I'm really glad you called,” he said after a while and I smiled,

“I was overruled so I figured it couldn't hurt.” He seemed confused, “Both my mother in law and my therapist are going to bat for you. They seem to think that you are good for me. And they may have pointed out that you gave me a second chance last year so here I am.” He frowned,

“It's not the same if you're forced to do it.” I laugh,

“If it was up to them I would have called you the first time you sent flowers. No, it was my choice.” He smiled tentatively,

“And are you glad you did?” I smirked and sipped my soda,

“Maybe.”


	9. Chapter 9

            Their next show was in New York, so they were spending the night in Jersey. I invited Frank over for a late dinner. Eliza was at work so we were alone in the apartment. I made us steak, baked potatoes, and salad. Frank had complained about not having real food for months, so I thought I’d treat him. When he got there the plates were already on the table and the lights dimmed I felt my stomach do a little summersault at the sight of Frank in a button up and jeans, his slightly too long hair pushed to the side, his tongue worrying his lip ring.

            “I brought wine,” he said softly and held up the bottle. I smiled and let him in. Dinner started off a little hesitant, neither of us sure what to say or how to act. Frank finally just started talking about the tour, telling me how each gig had been and how the boys were. I missed it. Being close to them, the travel, how each show was different, and I missed Frank. It was a punch to the gut to realize how much I had missed him without even realizing it. I had been so hell bent on being angry, I hadn’t allowed myself anything else. As he talked I slid my hand across the table until my fingertips met his. He stammered adorably for only a second, then continued to talk as his fingers interlaced with mine.

            After dinner we sat on the couch and watched a movie. We held hands, our knees just touching for the first half of the movie. Frank didn’t push, didn’t ask for me. In the end it was me who kissed him and it turns out, a kiss was all the encouragement Frank needed. His response was immediate and physical, his hands sliding into my hair, his mouth hot against mine. He murmured my name against my lips and kissed me harder. It wasn’t long until he had me beneath him on the couch, his hips wedged between my thighs. His hands slid up my shirt and I gave a little moan of encouragement. Once we were down to our underwear Frank began to slow down, his touch becoming gentler, his kisses soft against my rapidly beating pulse point on my neck.

“Ez?”

It was a loaded question that asked so much more than if we should have sex. I pulled his face up so I could see his eyes, hazel and full of trepidation. I smoothed his dark from his face and smiled,

“I love you.”

 

Afterward we ate ice cream on the couch, my legs across Frank’s lap. His hand kept skimming over my leg as if to assure himself that I was still there.

            “Think we will stay together this time?”

I laughed and licked my spoon clean, “That's a terrible thing to think about after what just happened.”

“Not really, we screw up a lot. We fight and keep how we feel secret. I'm okay with it, it’s who we are, but it would be nice to have some stability.” I nodded and ate another bite of ice cream,

“That would be nice.” He licked his spoon,

“So how could we do that? I mean I'm going to be gone a lot and you'll be busy with work. I can’t ask you to come back on tour. ”

I scowled, “I don’t think I’d want to. I miss it, but my work here pays better and well I like having a bed to sleep in instead of a van.” Frank laughed and I sighed, “Well we will just call each other as often as possible and you will come home every chance you get.”

“Of course.”

“And I guess that's all we can do for right now. The next tour is huge and I probably won’t see you for most of it and I mean it's not like we can get married.” I laughed and took another bite of ice cream. Frank was frowning,

“We can't?”

I sat up, “Well it's not like we can't, I just assumed we wouldn't. I kind of figured we were over that sort of idea because of…well you know.” He shrugged,

“I guess. I mean, I can see myself marrying you, even with everything we've gone through. Kind of makes me want to even more.”

I scoffed and shook my head, “You’re serious aren’t you?” He nodded, “Jesus Frank We just got back together and you’re already talking about getting married. You sure know how to give a girl a panic attack.”

He just smiled, “And that's why you love me. I keep you on your toes.”

I kissed him, “Exactly why actually.”

 

            . It wasn't too long after Frank left that I found myself thinking about what it would be like to be married. It wasn’t something I had ever given much thought to, even when I was with John. Thinking about it didn’t scare me, it was too new and interesting to be scary. My marriage to John had consisted of my being his nurse and the small ceremony. It wasn’t a planning for our future thing. It was giving John the most life I could before he died.

I didn't mention thinking about to Frank when he called every night, I didn’t want to encourage him. Not when I wasn’t really sure what I wanted. I did mention it to Dr. Long who just raised an eyebrow and I changed the subject.

About a month after Frank left Eliza caught me looking at a wedding magazine and sat me down on the couch,

            “Is there something we need to talk about?”

“Not really.”

“Then why are you looking at a wedding magazine?”

“Well...It's nothing. Frank mentioned it when he was here. We didn't even talk about it seriously, just mentioned it in passing. I'm just researching. Am I doing something wrong?”

Eliza laughed, “No you're not, you are being a normal girlfriend. With John all your attention was on the cancer. With Frank it's how it is supposed to be.”

            I frowned, “I don't regret how things were with John.”

“I know, but that relationship was all about him.”

“It wasn't his fault.”

“Well he certainly didn't make it any easier.” I stared,

“Excuse me?”

Eliza bit her lip then took my hand in hers,

“Ezra, there are a few things I want to talk to you about. Before I felt like you would get upset, but I think it's time we talked about John.” I felt the old tension creeping back into my body,

“Ok.”

“Sweetheart when I first met you I knew you would stay, and I also knew that being with John and whatever happened would come to define you. In a way I was being selfish, see I didn't want to be alone anymore and you were willing to be there. Then I came to love you like my own and watching what he did to you killed me.”

“It was the cancer,” I murmured but she shook her head,

“When John lashed out at you or ignored you that was him, not the cancer.”

“It was because he was sick,”

“It was because he was selfish and spoiled and that is my fault. I let him get that way because he was sick. Maybe if his father was alive John would still be here.” I shook my head,

“Eliza he couldn't fight anymore,”

“No, he chose not to. His body was healthy enough for another round of chemotherapy, it was John that gave up. He made the most selfish decision when he did too. He left his new wife alone.”

Tears made their way down my cheeks,

“Eliza stop, please. John was sick. He was tired.”

“John left you Ezra. I know you loved him, but he left you, and the sooner you accept that the sooner you can take him off the pedestal you put him on. Johnathan wasn't a martyr, he was a scared twenty-four year old boy who took the easy way out.”

 

            For a few days I couldn't look at Eliza. I couldn't understand how she could say that about her own son. Eliza didn't push me for conversation, but eventually I went to her.

            “I think that John had a selfish streak, but I don't think he took the easy way out. He fought until he couldn't anymore.” She smiled grimly,

“Is that why he forced you to have sex? Because he couldn't do it anymore?” I swallowed, “He didn't force me, I let him.”

“And you weren't ready.”

“I forgave him.”

“You always did.” I crossed my arms,

“Why are you acting like this? He was your son.”

“And I loved him until the day he died. And I've missed him every day since, but I don't let that love blind me from the truth and neither should you.” I sniffed and looked away. After a minute I turned back,

“He woke up before he died you know. It was only for a minute, but I was there, he knew who I was.” Eliza's face tensed, “He held me while I cried. Even while he was dying he held me. I can't just forget that.” Eliza pulled me into a hug,

“And you shouldn't, I just don't want you to let your past impede your future like you have before. If you want to get married, then get married, John shouldn't be an issue anymore.” I shrugged, “His name is all I have left,”

“You have me.”


	10. Chapter 10

 

            The tour ended the week before Thanksgiving and I asked Frank to come to the apartment before he went home and he readily agreed. We had a cozy dinner and cuddled on the couch. I finally worked up my courage and turned to face him,

“I want to play you a song,” he raised an eyebrow,

“Ok?”

I went to the bedroom and came back with my guitar and sat on the coffee table in front of him. Frank smiled and patted my knee.

“Hand in mine, into your icy blues

and then I'd say to you, we can take to the highway.

With this trunk of ammunition too,

I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets.

I'm trying, I'm trying,

to let you know just how must you mean to me.

And after all the things we put each other through.

And I would drive on to the end with you.”

 

            Frank smiled, “Demolition Lovers?”

I kept playing the song for a moment then I stopped and tucked my hair behind my ear, “It's always been my favorite.” He chuckled and leaned forward to kiss me,

“You play well, and I don't think I've ever heard you sing before. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Do you remember the last night you were here?” Frank gave me a naughty grin that let me know he did,

“You remember what we talked about?” His smile was gone,

“You mean getting married?”

“Yeah.” He was quiet,

“Well it's just, since then I started think about it and I mean you basically proposed and I figure it's something we could talk about it. Like for real.” Frank ran a hand through his hair and sat back against the couch. He let out a big breath. “Please say something,” I murmured.

Frank looked at me and bit his lip then sat forward suddenly and took my guitar then pulled me to the couch. He dug in his jacket pocket from where it laid across the arm of the couch and pulled out a little black box,

“I saw it at a little antique store in Atlanta and it made me think of you,” he opened the box and I smiled with pleasure. It was a rose gold ring with filigree etching and a clear stone that shined. Frank chewed his lip, “I couldn't stop thinking about it.” I looked up when I caught his meaning and felt my heart beating a mile a minute. “So, Ezmeralda, what do you say? Would you like to marry me?” I glanced down at the ring and back to his face. I couldn't stop the grin from spreading across my face. Frank stared, “Yes?” like he couldn't believe it. I nodded and he gaped, “Yes?”

“Yes!”

I was nodding earnestly and Frank shook his head and pulled me into a tight hug, “Oh my god. I-I love you. I love you Ezra.” I laughed against his shoulder,

“I love you too.” He pulled back, grinning ear to ear and pulled the ring out of its box to put in on my finger. We caught each other’s eye and started laughing.

 

            Frank spent the night and when Eliza got home early the next morning I was waiting at the kitchen table with coffee. She gave me a tired smile and gladly accepted a steaming mug. I was tapping my fingers against the table as she drank, my left hand hidden in my lap.

“Are you going to tell me or are we just going to sit here?”

I laughed nervously at her raised eyebrows and slowly pulled my hand above the table and held it out,

“Frank asked me to marry him.” Eliza stared,

“And you said yes?” I frowned,

“Why does everyone keep saying that? Of course I did.” Eliza smiled,

“We just never thought you would I guess. Oh Ezra this is so wonderful!” She stood and pulled me into a tight hug, “Do you know when you want to have the wedding?” I shrugged,

“We haven't really talked about it yet. Frank goes on tour again soon, so I'm not sure.” “How long is the tour?”

“A year.” Eliza blinked,

“A year? Are you kidding?” I laughed,

“No, it's for a year and then they are recording another album.” She shook her head,

“Well then I guess you will have to get married before then.” I took a step back,

“Eliza they leave in March.”

“People have gotten married a lot sooner. We have a little time.”

“Three months? That isn't any time at all.”

“Then I guess we had better get started.”

 

            I'm still not really sure how we got it all together. The wedding happened February 1st in a cute little church in the burbs. They had a little hall next door where we could have the reception. Eliza and I did most of the decorations and my dress came from a consignment store in the city and was cute and vintage. With lace sleeves and a collar.

Stella appeared in the states a week before the wedding, much to my surprise. According to her, her parents were basically kicking her out and making her live with her grandmother. She was upset, but happy to be able to be a part of the wedding. Frank asked Geoff to be his best man, Geoff just laughed and said yes. The morning of the wedding I had the worst case of cold feet.

            Eliza was doing my hair, chatting away about how everything was going outside and how she was sorry my mother hadn't accepted the invitation to come to the wedding. I told it was okay, and stared the wall, my shoulders tensed.

“Ezra?”

I glanced up to see Eliza watching me, “Honey are you okay?” I smiled tightly,

“Of course!” She sighed,

“Ezra.” Tears were already welling up,

“I'm fine, I swear. I just-can you bring Frank? Please?” Eliza frowned,

“Ezra please,”

“No, Eliza I just need to see him, please.” She nodded but looked apprehensive as she left the room. Frank burst in a few minutes later looking adorable half dressed in his tux with no shoes. I gave a sobbing laugh and he smiled gently and shut the door. I closed the space between us and pressed my lips to his. His arms went around me in surprise and held me close.

“If I said I wanted to leave, would you let me?” He was kissing my neck, our breathing quick and heavy,

“Of course, I just want you to be happy.” I unbuttoned his shirt and slid it down his shoulders, kissing the newly exposed skin. Frank pressed me against the wall and slid apart my robe, his hands all over.

“You wouldn't ask me to stay?” My fingers were knotted in his hair as he unbuckled his belt. He wrenched my hips forward, his eyes on mine,

“Of course I would.”

I searched his eyes then kissed him. He kissed my back hungrily, his hands pushing my panties down before lifting me. I moaned against his mouth as he pressed me back against the wall and thrust against me,

“Stay,” he gasped and started a fast rhythm, “Ezra, stay with me, be with me, I need you.” I clung to him, my legs around his waist, breath coming out in pants. He went rigid and buried his face in my shoulder with a groan. I slid my fingers into his hair and kissed his temple over and over, “I'm not going anywhere,” I whispered, “I love you Frank, I love you.”

 

            We were sitting on the floor against the wall when there was a knock on the door. Frank and I burst into giggles and we hurry to pull on our clothes. Another knock and I can’t stop laughing. I hurried into my dress and Frank zipped it up as Geoff called, “Ez? There’s someone here for you.”

I laugh again and Frank murmurs for me to help him and I rush to get his shirt buttoned. The door starts to open and I hurriedly pull on my robe.

            “Hello Lo-” Stella halts just inside the door and I widen my eyes at her. We are all silent for a few moments. Stella walks further into the room and I see she is in a long pea coat and terrible boots. She scratches her chin,

            “So…” she liftef her sunglasses, her blue-gray eyes finding mine, “This is what all the fuss was about?” She shrugged, “Eh.”

            I was still too mortified at almost being caught naked to register her slight insult. She grinned at me. Frank cleared his throat,

            “So, you must be Stella.”

She nodded and Frank glanced back at me,

“I thought you couldn’t make it?”

I gave Stella a wink and she shrugged,

“They kicked me out. I told them that the least they could do was buy me a plane ticket for a week earlier.”

I scoffed and then sniffed as I realized she was really there. She had actually made it to my wedding. She tutted,

“None of that, you’ll ruin your face…even though Frank’s destroyed your lips. Must redo those.”

I laughed and she pulled me into a hug, pressing a kiss to me cheek. Geoff finally came in the room from where he had been hiding in the doorway and cleared his throat,

“Hey, Frank, let’s go. Don’t want anyone else finding you in here. You guys aren’t supposed to see each other before the wedding, right?” he laughed and gestured for Frank to follow him. Frank hesitated then pulled me from Stella, his eyes searching mine. I gave him a soft kiss then looked at him, letting him know I would be there. He gave me a small smile and a small nod then followed Geoff.

I turned back to Stella and undid my robe, letting it fall so she could see my full dress. I twirled for her and he smiled in approval. Once I was done I looked her up and down,

“I hope you are wearing your dress under that coat. I also hope that you brought some other shoes to wear.”

She just smirked and unbuttoned her coat to reveal a short strapless dress. The bodice was a deep plum purple color on top that faded down into black by the hem of the skirt. It was tight to her hips, and then flared out into a skirt that had what looked like an ungodly amount of petticoats. I looked down at her boots again, forest green Doc Martens and gagged. Stella was mocked outraged,

“Aww, come on! I paid extra because these things weighed my luggage down!”

I just laughed and rolled my eyes.

 

            The ceremony and small and simple with Frank and I grinning like idiots. When we kissed there were whoops and whistles. The reception was cozy with a potluck dinner and a pretty white cake from the bakery on third. By the time the celebrations were winding down I was pretty tired and was ready to get back to the apartment. Frank smiled when I told him and pulled me to my feet. Eliza offered to gather up all the gifts and clean up. I felt guilty leaving her there, but she insisted I go, and I let Frank pull me away.

“So I have a surprise for you,” he said quietly as we drove and I studied his profile in the waning sunset light.

“Oh really?”

He drove past the turn on ramp to get back to the city and continued further unto the suburbs. A few minutes later we pulled into a housing community and I sat straighter,

“Hey, I know this place, Stella's grandmother lives here.” Frank was quiet as he turned into a driveway of a dark house. I peered through the windshield as the structure. It was a cute little white house with a porch and small yard. “Where are we?” I asked with a laugh and Frank took a deep breath,

“We are home.”

            I stared at him,

“Home?”

“Yep.”

“You bought a house?”

“I did.”

“You bought a house.”

He laughed, “Yes Ezra, I bought you a house. Want to go look inside?”

I just stared and Frank chuckled then got out of the car and walked around to open my door. He led me up the walk and onto the porch. He unlocked the door and pulled me inside, turning on the light.

“It's a two bedroom with all hardwood floors and a nice kitchen. It was a steal.”

I'm pretty sure my mouth was hanging open, “You really bought me a house.”

He nodded, “Want a tour?”

I smiled wickedly, “Yes, let's start with the bedroom.”


End file.
